Not Dead Yet

The new bad word

2010-06-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

The new "bad" word in our house is..."seriously".

Yes, I'm serious. It sounds ridiculous, but when you hear a nine year old say "seriously" every time you ask him to do anything, something obviously needs to be done. Thus, I have banned the word from our house. That is extremely hard for me b/c I say that word a lot. I don't use it in the same context as Will. When it's coming from my mouth, it doesn't seem like blasphemy. By the tone in his voice, he might as well be saying "are you fucking kidding me?". The kid has hears like, well, whatever animal has good hearing. He could be upstairs playing Rockband, hear me say "seriously" and yell down the stairs "Momma!!".

I love that kid, but sometimes I want to beat him. Seriously.

Argh!

2010-06-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

Remember the troubles I've been having with The Girl, her math grade and her math teacher? Well guess what? School ends in 2 days and I still don't know what her math grade is. Her teacher just started updating grades last night. From March. That's right, he still hadn't input any of the scores - or, in many cases, the assignments - since March. I have no idea where my child is in that class. Has she turned in all her assingments? Is she scoring well on tests? Does she understand the work or need a tutor? I couldn't tell you. And what's worse? Neither can her teacher.

I've met with him and the principal several times over the last few months, called him almost daily and sent him countless emails. Every time I spoke with him he assured me we wouldn't come to the end of the year without me knowing where my child stands. And yet here we are at the end of the year and I still don't know.

I am not unaware of my child's faults. When it comes to completing her homework, they are legion. The D she had at semester time is 100% her fault. But I put full blame on her teacher for my not knowing about it until it was too late to do anything to correct the problem. The same with this final grade. Whatever it is, there will be no way I can correct anything now.

On Monday I sent him an email asking for an update and reminding him that he assured me I wouldn't be caught flat-footed the last week of school. His response?

Last week, I returned the previous week's quizzes, and The Girl's was the only one without a name. After she wrote her name on her quiz, that score was entered. It was a C or something like that. The remainder go in today and I will submit final grades this evening.

That's it. That's all he had to say about it. She's hovering on the brink of FAILING ALGEBRA and his only response is "it was a C or something"?

I wrote a formal letter of complaint and sent it to the school board president and the superintendent. I also included a complaint about the principal, because she's been NO HELP whatsoever. I just found out that she's leaving after this year, however, so I don't figure my letter is going to matter much. But still..

I honestly don't understand how I'm the only parent upset by not knowing what my kid's grade is. And what about those kids who are really struggling? Are they going to find out the last day of school that they failed math? Do those parents even care?

I also don't understand how this teacher can get away with not doing his job. Because part of his job is grading assignments and working with parents, right? I'm just sick over the whole thing. Especially since there's a very real possibility The Girl won't have a B on her final report card and will end up grounded for the whole summer.

I'll tell you, though, I've never been so happy to see the end of a school year in my life.

Summertime Blues

2010-05-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that we've been battling with The Girl ~~her whole life~~ all year about turning in her homework and classwork. I complain about it often enough. The thing is, she's got a stubborn streak a mile wide, and she isn't the type of kid who gets grounded and thinks, "I need to fix this so I can get ungrounded." She's the type who says, "I'm already grounded anyway so what does it matter?".

That's the biggest source of my frustration with her. Because how do you punish a kid if she doesn't care about about being punished? I've tried the incentive program - rewarding her for good behavior - and that didn't work. I've tried punishing her by taking away things - most recently her whole life - and that doesn't work. So...what now?

Plus, I have to be consistent and follow through. One of the worst things I think you can do as a parent is not follow through. If you threaten punishment, and they don't keep up their end of it, you stand by that. It may not have the impact on The Girl that I want it to (punishments, I mean) but at least she always knows I'm serious when I tell her X is going to happen if she continues doing Y.

During her last round of punishments - when she came home with a D on her report card because she was missing 5 assignments - I told her if she missed one more assignment during the rest of the school year, she'd be grounded for the whole summer. And I meant it.

Unfortunately, when she's grounded, so am I. We've cut out camping/hiking trips, skipped the beach and the pool and even refused to go to barbecues and movies, all because TG is grounded. What's my summer going to be like if TG is grounded? They aren't going to their dad's until the last week of July or the first week of August (that's a post for another day) and I have a ton of things I want to do with them. I planned to get season passes to the local water park so we could spend our days there. I want to do trips the beach, day hikes and long camping trips. None of that is going to happen if TG is grounded. (Unless I hire a babysitter to stay with her, and don't think I'm not seriously considering it).

But then we come back to that "I'm already grounded so why does it matter" mentality that TG has. Apparently she'd forgotten the part about missing another assignment and being grounded for the whole summer. When I reminded her - after she missed yet another assignment - she completely freaked out. "No! Mom, summer is supposed to be a fresh start. We wipe the slate clean and start all over again! This isn't right. it isn't fair" blah blah blah. I have no sympathy for her. She knew the deal and she didn't care. I have a ton of sympathy for myself, because I didn't do anything wrong but my summer is still going to suck. But this isn't about me ~~much~~.

Anyway, two hours, many tears and much drama later, we came to an agreement. According to the online system TG still has a D in math. That isn't a totally fair assessment, because her teacher still hasn't updated (even after a meeting and two phone calls with the principal) his gradebook, but still. So MM and I agreed that if she brings her grade up to a B, and agrees to do one major project around the house (something she wouldn't normally do - like painting) she wouldn't be grounded for the entire summer. If she brings it up to an A, she won't be grounded and she won't have to do a project. So, B and a project or A and no project.

I'm ok with this because she's going to have to work really hard to make that happen. Her test/assignment scores are going to have to be really high and she's going to have to do extra-credit work to make it happen. If she works that hard, I'm fine with rewarding her. It not, I guess my summer is going to suck wind.

So now that I got all that cleared up, I have some hope for the summer. Or I did. Until yesterday.When
I got a call from Little Man's teacher.

Like two months ago she sent home a packet with information about a huge State report they had to complete for social studies. She sent them home early so they'd have plenty of time to complete them. Little Man chose South Dakota as his state (which I kind of thought was a little like cheating since he was born there, but whatever) and seemed excited to work on it. Although we've had some issues with him not doing his homework in the past. for the most part he's a good kid and I don't worry about him too much. So when he told me his teacher was giving him time in class to do his report and that he was almost finished with it I took him at his word.

My bad.

His teacher said if he doesn't turn this project in and get a decent grade he'll end up with a C in social studies. If he brings home a C he'll be grounded for the entire summer.

I'm telling you, if it's not one it's the other. Unless it's both of them.

It might not be summer yet, but I already have the Blues.

Shouldn't He Have Outgrown That?

2010-05-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

Remember this? Well, guess what? He did it again. Only now he's 11.

He spent hours crying last night from his bed. He didn't come into my room to get me and when I went to him he wouldn't tell me what was wrong, just kept crying. I wanted to beat him before all was said and done. And I still don't know what his problem was.

WTF is that about?

*image credit here

My Little Runaway

2010-05-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

The Girl and I have been at odds the last few weeks over - what else - her not doing her homework assignments. Things finally came to a head last week when we got her midterm grades and she still has a D in math.

We had a huge blow up and then a long talk and I thought we'd cleared things up. Apparently not, however, because yesterday I found this note in her backpack. (Sorry the image is a little off..I need to adjust my scanner)

I have to give the girl credit for wanting to be prepared. She's going to wait until she's older and has a car, and she needs a brush for her own comfort. As a mom, I have to say I'm darn proud that she included "good shoes" and "toothpaste/brush" on her list.

The Little Parent

2010-04-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

Every morning my SIL drops her daughter off at our house on her way to work. She has to be to work at 7 but the bus doesn't come until 8:15. Since they (the niece and LM) go to the same school, it makes sense for her to come here for an hour every morning, then walk to the bus stop with LM.

LM and the 7yo have a cute relationship. He acts more like her big brother than her cousin. He teases her about boyfriends and scolds her when she misbehaves. She defers to him, asking his permission for things and doing what he tells her. It's cute.

Yesterday morning they were at the breakfast table together and I overheard the following. It totally cracked me up.

7yo: Can I please be excused? (this said to LM, not me)

LM: Take one more bite. And not a little one either!

7yo: I just did!

LM: Take another one.

7yo: Fine!

LM: Hey, don't eat like a pig!

7yo: Sorry.

LM: Alright, you can be excused now.

7yo: Thanks!

LM: Thank you for listening to me. What's the one rule I have? Respect your..

7yo: You?

LM: your elders.

7yo: Oh, right. Ok.

They leave the table and Little Man heads to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Halfway down the hallway she catches up with him.

LM: Go clear your bowl!

7yo: *giggles* Oh, sorry.

Then she marched back to the table, cleared it and, at his direction, went and brushed her teeth. They kill me!

He'd be such a good big brother!

WTF?

2010-04-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

We all know The Girl has homework issues. We've been battling them for years and years. I don't imagine we're going to win the war anytime soon, either.

When she was getting ready to enter middle school, MM and I had major concerns about sending her to our public school. It doesn't have a very good reputation. We have 6 elementary schools in our town, and every single one of them dumps into the middle school. It's overcrowded and has been known to have problems with drugs and alcohol, not to mention delinquent behavior from its students. With TG's history we weren't sure it would be a good fit.

We talked about sending her to the local Christian school, but she begged us to let her try the public school first. All of her friends were going to the public school and they had more extracurricular activities for her to try. Those arguments didn't sway me, but we agreed to let her try it out after learning about their online grade system, ZAP program and guidance counselors.

ZAP = Zeros Aren't Permitted. If a child has a missing assignment the teacher fills out a ZAP form and the parents get an automated call along with a letter telling us there's a missing assignment. The child then has lunch detention until the assignment is completed and turned in. Most teachers take points away for every day the assignment isn't turned in.

Aside: Personally I think the ZAP program is a joke. I think if a child doesn't turn in an assignment they should get a zero for it. What's the incentive to get homework done and turned in if they don't get a zero? :End

So far the system has been working. I check TG's grades online once a week and if she has any missing assignments we take appropriate action (ie, make her life hell). My only problem? Well, ok, my only two problems? 1) TG still misses and assignments and 2) her math teacher.

I don't know if her Algebra teacher has problems with technology or what, but he never updates the online website. If he doesn't log missing assignments in to the computer, it doesn't trigger the ZAP program and I don't get notified, either via website, phone call or mailed letter. Which means I have no way of knowing if she's turning her assignments in. Which is bad!

That just happened again today. It's the end of the semester and time for report cards to come out. We have parent teacher conferences on Friday and today her Algebra teacher finally finished entering all the grades online. Guess how many assignments TG is missing? Go ahead, guess.

Five. 5. FIVE.

WTF????

He hadn't updated the site since January, so all these missing assignments are from February.

WTF????

She's had 5 missing assignments in his class, which brought her grade from an A- down to a D! and I didn't hear a word about it. MY CHILD HAS A D IN MATH AND I DIDN'T FIND OUT UNTIL TODAY.

WTF????

I'm not saying that TG not turning her assignments in is the teacher's fault, but my not knowing about it is. If I don't know, how can I correct the problem if I don't know about it? I believe the teacher has a responsibility to let me know what's going on with my child. Right?

And you know what a D on TG's report card means? No car! We had also worked out a deal regarding a trip to Knott's Berry Farm and my old e-reader (which TG desperately wants) and those are both off the table, too. She'll be lucky if she survives the next week. Oh, and the best part? She has straight A's in all her other classes. My kids has 5 A's and a D.

WTF??

While I was in the midst of writing this I got a phone call from Little Man's language arts teacher. Apparently he's gotten into the habit of not turning in assignments as well. His teacher said he was supposed to turn in a book report before spring break (our spring break was last week) and she's given him days since then to turn it in and he hasn't. He'll now be getting a zero on it. It's a 30 point assignment. She also said at least once a week he doesn't turn in his homework.

So, who's going to come visit me in jail? It's either that or the funny farm.

I Just Don't Understand

2010-02-25T16:00:00.000-08:00

How can a child go from this:

to this:

in less than a month? And this is AFTER she turned in late assignments. The grades were a lot worse two days ago. The numbers in red are missing assignments, btw. Every time I see that D I want to puke. Ugh.

I'm trying to remember why it's a bad idea to beat your children....

As punishment, she's grounded for 5 weeks. One for every missing assignment. She has until tomorrow to make up the assignments she's already missing or I'm going to start taking away her extracurricular activities. First we're taking away sign language. If she still hasn't turned in all missing assignments by Monday we're also taking away tennis. If she doesn't have all missing assignments turned in by Friday of next week we're taking away all extracurricular activities for the rest of the year.

At the beginning of the last semester we started working on the rewards program. For every week TG went without missing an assignment she would get a new book (trust me, this is huge for her. She reads as much as I do.). Since she's missing 5 assignments she gets no new books for 5 weeks (she's all kinds of tore up over that). Once she's completed her 5 weeks of punishment we'll talk about going back to a rewards system.

During this 5 weeks of punishment, for every assignment that doesn't get turned in (or gets turned in late), she'll be grounded an additional 2 weeks. Normally her punishments don't overlap like this, but I'm making an exception because I think she needs to understand how serious this is.

She also has to tread very, very carefully with MM. You see, MM put TG on the "B or Better" program. Basically, beginning this year - 7th grade - if TG keeps her grades at B or Better, MM will buy her a car when she gets her license. He will also pay her insurance as long as she maintains B's or better, and will do all maintenance on her car (seems like there's something else he offered to do, but I can't remember what now). This is totally between them..I have nothing to do with it.

The only reason she hasn't lost the car yet is because we said B or Better on her report card. Since report cards don't come out for several weeks, she's just barely skimming under the wire.

Other than the above, I honestly don't know what to do with her. This is not a new issue. We've been fighting with her about missing work since kindergarten. There isn't much I haven't tried at this point.

Why can't I just have easy children? All I want in life is a kid who does her homework on time without being asked. It's not like I'm asking for the moon here.

Star Wars, MM-Style.

2010-02-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

For whatever reason, one of MM's favorite insults for the kids is "Dopey Wan Knobe". I don't know where he got it from (he probably made it up..he does that a lot) but he'll often call Little Man or The Girl that. Heck, he's even thrown it at me a few times.

The other night we were at the table and somehow the expression was bought up. I'm thinking because MM called one of us that. From there he starts trying to think up insults from the other characters.

MM: What's one for Yoda? Yo-duh? heh No wait, Yo-Dummy.
LM: What about Luke Skywalker?
MM: eh, there's only two of you, so I only need two names. Dopey Wan and Yo-Dummy.
TG: What about Anakin?
MM: Wait, I should be Yoda, so no insulting name for him.
Me: No, I should. I'm the wise one.
TG: Ha!
MM: You should be Anakin because you turn evil once a month
*Me, TG and MM laugh, LM looks confused*
MM: The best part about that is only me, you and TG get it.
LM: Get what? Mom's evil all the time, not just once a month.

Jerks.

More Kid Logic

2010-02-21T19:35:00.000-08:00

Little Man has a Revolutionary War project due this week. He has to create a shoebox time caspule with items from the Revolutionary War. Not only things war related, but things that might have been found in homes then, or recipes people might have used. Things like that.

He got this assignment the week he went back to school after Christmas break. I think it was like January 6th or 7th. It is now February 21st. That's a long ass time to work on a project. Can you guess how much he's gotten done? He found the shoebox. Yep, that's it. The project is due on Friday and the only thing he's gotten done is found the freaking shoebox.

MM and I have been trying to help him with it for the last month or so, but he keeps dragging his feet. We finally told him last night that it has to be finished today or else...well, just or else. (Honestly, I can't remember all the things we've threatened him with)

At 9:30 this morning LM started "working" on his project. "Working" is a very subjective term, however. What I consider "working" and what he considers "working" are apparently two entirely different things. Mostly his version of "working" is playing games on the computer and whining because he "can't find anything" to put in his shoebox. To say I'm frustrated is an understatement.

About an hour ago we told him he had an hour to finish his project. Since he's been "working" on it for more than 8 hours now, you'd think that would be possible. But no..he hasn't finished one thing for it yet.

He keeps finding ways to procrastinate. Just a few minutes ago he starts asking MM what some speck on the wall is from and MM says, "Quit screwing around and work on your project!". A few minutes later I look over and LM is putting tape over his mouth. I said, "What are you doing??" and he replied, "I'm putting tape on my mouth so I can't screw around anymore."

(Our new threat is he'll be grounded one day for every hour it takes him to complete this project [above and beyond the 8.5 he's already had, of course]. I foresee him being ground a long, long time..)

Homework War

2010-02-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

I've always felt bad for Holly for the Homework Hell she's gone through, but in a removed sort of way. Kind of like "Thank God that's not my kid". I never thought she was joking about what she went through with TG, but I also didn't think it could be that bad. Holly is a strict parent (as I've said numerous times) and she can't get her kid to do her homework? It just didn't seem likely. Now I know that not only was every word she ever said about it true, but that she was actually UNDER exaggerating. Since seeing the error of my ways, I've offered her everything (including my first AND second born) to take Will off my hands during the school year. I think Will would listen to her and come back home ready for the homework awaiting him in fifth grade. For some reason, she's not going for it. I would even offer to take my second born off the table, which should clinch the deal.

This is the first year that PASS is available to the parent. I'm able to check Will's grades every week. I know every parent thinks their kid is smart, but Will is super smart. Like he doesn't even have to try. He just has that thing that smart people have. I don't know how or why, but he has it. So why does he have a D in math and a F in reading? WHY?????

He's a lazy little bugger, that's why. I never factored that into the smart thing. You can be as smart as Albert-freaking-Einstein, but that doesn't mean that you'll get good grades. You have to actually do your work. YOU HAVE TO TRY. You have to tell the truth. So when your mom and dad ask you if you have homework, don't say NO. Honestly, the kid just lies to our faces. I don't know if he's actually lying b/c he's too lazy to do the damn work or if he's forgotten he even has it. At first I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but that time has passed.

A week and a half ago, a notice was sent home to all parents. They wouldn't accept work any later than five days after it was due. Anything late automatically gets a grade lower. Parents have lots of stuff to sign, etc. I didn't like the five day thing, which I now realize is ridiculous. My kid is smart so why the hell isn't his homework on time? Oh, b/c he forgets it or doesn't try. Or back to #1: Laziness.

Last Thursday he called me when he got home from school to ask if he could play [insert electronic device here]. I asked him if he had homework. He said yes, he had math. I asked if he had reading. He said no. I told him to do what he could on the math (he said he needed help) and I would go over the rest of it when I got home. After I got home, we did our usual dinner routine where he casually mentions that he has a book report due Friday. THE NEXT DAY. He has to write a report on a biography. But the book he wanted was checked out by some other girl and she was going to do the report on that person so it was okay. I was like huh???? It was all convoluted and resulted in him being grounded for two days from his laptop. After he cried (he's one of those criers that looks absolutely devastated while crying) and just blatantly refused to do the report, Bill ran him over to the library. This all happened about 6:30pm.

While they were at the library, I graded his math homework (they are working on division). It's little gems like this that remind me why I love this kid so damn much.

Question: Mr. Brooks bought a box of 66 acorns to class. Can he give 3 acorns to each of the 23 students in his class? How? Why or why not?

Will's answer: No He can't if you divide it you will get it.

This is by far my favorite of all of his answers.

Question: Explain how you can find the quotient of 84 divided by 4.

Will's answer: If you divide right you will get it right. I'm sure of it.

After we finished his math, he started reading the biography he got. He didn't get done with his report until about 9:30. He usually goes to bed at 8, so this was significantly later. Can you guess what happened on Friday?

HE FORGOT HIS FOLDER.

Casee vs. Holly: It's on

2010-01-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

For those of you that know Holly, you know that she is an extremely strict parent. That's something I've always admired about her. When I told her that Will was getting a laptop for Christmas it was one of those things. You know, where she says "I can't believe it, but I'm not saying anything else" and I just say "uh-huh". I knew what her reaction was going to be and if any person besides her said what she said, I would have told them to stick it.

Today one of those "Holly suggested you become friends with Casee" FB emails. Except in this case "Casee" was an eleven year old kid. Which I think is absurd. Will has asked to have his own Facebook account and I just laughed. And promptly told him it wasn't going to happen. Thankfully it is one thing that Bill and I are in agreement on. The following discussion ensued via email.

from Holly
to Casee
date Mon, Jan 25, 2010 at 12:41 PM
subject Re: Someone suggested you add a friend on Facebook...

Cripes. Bc that make sense. I know a lot of TG's friends have Facebook and even Myspace pages. And cell phones and laptops. It's sad.

from Casee
to Holly
date Mon, Jan 25, 2010 at 1:24 PM
subject Re: Someone suggested you add a friend on Facebook...

Will has a laptop. He asked for a Facebook account and I just laughed in his face.

from Holly
to Casee
date Mon, Jan 25, 2010 at 1:25 PM
subject Re: Someone suggested you add a friend on Facebook...

I know he does. I still can't believe you bought him one.

I bet Will will have a Facebook account before TG. And I bet it will be within the next year.

from Casee
to Holly
Mon, Jan 25, 2010 at 1:26 PM
subject Re: Someone suggested you add a friend on Facebook...

I'll take that bet.

from Holly
to Casee
date Mon, Jan 25, 2010 at 1:30 PM
subject Re: Someone suggested you add a friend on Facebook...

Good.

This post is marking the occasion. I say that by 1/25/11 TG will have a FB account and Will won't. Holly says that Will will have a FB before TG.

Now for the stakes. We need ideas. Make it good too, b/c I know I'm going to win.

Dinner at our House: Kid Logic

2009-11-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

Lori does this thing on her blog called "Around the Dinner Table". I've ~~swiped~~ borrowed the idea from her before, and I'm going to do so again.

Dinnertime is probably our best time together as a family. With sports and after school programs and work and homework and, well, life, we don't get to sit down and talk as a family much during the day. Dinner is really the best time for us to interact as a family. It's also the best time for us to get a little out of control with each other. Like Lori and her family, our conversations often veer off into crazy places.

The other night we were at the table and somehow Daphne came up. I can't remember exactly how, but one of the kids mentioned her. For those of you who don't know, Daphne recently moved to Australia. This has been a sore point for me because while I love her and want her to be happy, I selfishly want her to be happy somewhere much closer to me.

Anyway, the following conversation ensued:

Me: Daphne went bye bye - said with a sad face
LM: What? She's not on Earth anymore?
Me: She's on the other side of it
MM: Her toilet flushes to the right now
TG: I'm sure ours could if we wanted it to
MM and I share a look
MM: It doesn't work that way TG - he starts to explain why it wouldn't work when LM pipes up..
LM: She reads from right to left now
Me: What?
MM: What?
TG: Oh, that makes sense

The Girl doesn't understand the concept of the toilet flushing the other way, but it makes sense that Daphne now reads from right to left? MM and I could only laugh.

A few days later we were talking about TG being responsible for us when we get old. We were saying she needs to get good grades now so she can get into a good college and eventually get a good job. This is important since she'll be taking care of us in our old age. Naturally from there MM took it to the next level and started talking about her changing his diapers.

TG: Heck no I'm not. That's what retirement homes are for.
MM: I'm not going into a retirement home! People die in there!
LM: Duh. That's why they're called retirement homes..you retire from life.

Well...he does kind of have a point.

Letters on the White Board

2009-11-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

I think it's time to resurrect this blog. I don't know why we let it fall to the wayside, but I'm going to rectify that now. Aren't you just the lucky ones?
___________________

A couple months ago I purchased a whiteboard for our refrigerator. We had one when I was growing up and it was really convenient for jotting down reminders or leaving notes. Now that the kids are getting older having the white board will - hopefully - make my life easier.

Since I picked it up, the whiteboard has really come in handy. Already we have phone messages/numbers written on it, a schedule for when the dogs were fed, notes about chores the kids need to complete when they get home from school, reminders about upcoming events and so on and so forth. Not only do I use it for the above mentioned things - and many others - but so do the kids.

Little Man especially uses it. Most nights before bed he makes his lunch for school the next day, including putting a water bottle in the freezer so he'll have cold water all day. Then he'll write a note on the whiteboard to remind himself not to forget it.

A couple weeks ago, The Girl decided it would be funny if she started taking his water bottle out of the freezer since she leaves before he does. I didn't realize she'd started doing this until I found this note on the board one night before I went to bed:

TG, the water bottle in the freezer is mine, do not take it!

I kind of laughed, because it's a little funny that she's been swiping his bottle. But I full on cracked up the next morning when I saw TG's reply. She erased a couple letters and it said:

TG, the water bottle in the freezer is mine, do take it!

Clever of her, wasn't it? I had to snicker, because that is SUCH a TG thing to do.

Little Man's reply?

TG, the water bottle in the freezer is mine, do take it! - I said do NOT take it, you idiot!

Ha! I know I shouldn't laugh that he called his sister an idiot, but I just couldn't help it. Freaking kids.

Funny how the same kid who will call his sister an idiot on the whiteboard will also use it to write me notes. Last week his school was having a canned food drive and he asked me if he could take in a donation. I asked him to write it on the board for me so I wouldn't forget. His note?

Dear mom, I would love it if you would put some canned food out for me. Sincerely, LM.

Awfully polite for a mouthy brat, don't you think?

These boots are made for Kelsey

2009-05-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

A little over six months ago, I bought these boots for Kelsey at Nordstrom Rack while we were in Portland at my sister's house. She had been asking for a pair of cowboy ~~books~~ boots (Thanks, Holly), which I was hesitant in buying. I thought these boots were a good compromise. She loved them. She still loves them. In fact, I think she would sleep with them on if she could. It doesn't matter what she's wearing, unless it's P.E. day, the boots are on. She wears them with skirts, dresses, shorts. You name it. If I didn't know her so well, I would think that she's trying to set a new fashion trend for 7 year olds.

This was from this morning.

In the summer, she'll start wearing flip-flops. What am I going to do in the fall? She'll probably have grown out of them by then. Knowing her, she'll want to cut a hole in the front so they'll still fit.

Kelsey's Mother's Day letter

2009-05-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, Kelsey's teacher did the coolest Mother's Day thing evah. Each kid had to write their mom a letter. We all came in and everyone read their letter out loud. Then we had a nice picnic lunch in the windy/cold conditions. Kelsey's letter had me tearing up and laughing at the same time.

Dear Mommy,

I love you because you know that I like spaghetti without tomatoes. I liked it when me and you went to Old Chicago and we played tic, tac, toe. You won and I lost. When I am sad you help me calm down. You help me take my medicine. I like you because you let me and Will walk home. I love you because you snuggle with me when I am sad. You let me watch Charmed in your bed and you let me watch Tom and Jerry downstairs. You color with me and let me have cereal for dinner. You tickle me and I laugh. I love you because you let me go to Bella's house sometimes and you let me play on your computer. I love you because you are coming to my school for Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day.
May 2009
Love, Kelsey

Is that the freaking sweetest thing ever? ::sigh:: I was a little mortified at the "you let me have cereal for dinner" part. This was right after our next door neighbor read his mom a letter that started with "I love you because you cook me dinner every single night.". LOL

I found these pictures while doing some of our spring cleaning. This is one of my favorite ones of Will. I think he was about a year old. He crawled in there and fell right to sleep.

And here's our princess. She hasn't changed a bit.

Soccer fun

2009-05-05T17:25:00.000-07:00

Jack is at soccer practice with Will. I called him b/c he was going to the store and I forgot to tell him something else I needed. The following conversation ensued:

Jack: I swear, our son is the laziest kid out there...like out of all the kids out there. (meaning not just on his team, but out of about 10 teams).

Me: And this surprises you how?

It's true. If Will had a motto, it would be "Why run if you can walk?"

My son, the public speaker

2009-05-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

We got the link to the wedding photos last night. This is a screenshot of the actual picture (Dear Photographer, we will pay for prints). That is not me behind Will. It's Jack's aunt. I cut off her head.

So, as per tradition, the best man made the speech then offered up the microphone to anyone that wanted to say anything to the bride and groom. I'm pretty sure that Will was the first one that offered. As much as I'd like to take credit for it, Jack and I did not prompt him to do this, nor did he have anything written. This is pure Will.

"I just want to say congratulations to Christine and Frank on their wedding day. And Christine, you look very beautiful today."

After that last part, my MIL started crying. Jack and I were bug eyed with our mouths hanging open. I was torn between laughing and crying. He never calls Jack's mom "Christine". She's Nana. But it was just so Will.

I never really understood the expression "bursting with pride", but that's how I felt after he handed the microphone over.

At least we're doing it right w/ one kid.

Kids are so damn expensive

2009-04-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

Kelsey has been losing teeth left and right for the past two months. She's lost a total of eight teeth (4 on top and 4 on bottom). She just lost her 4th tooth on the top, which allowed one of her top middle teeth to come in. I noticed that it was big and seemed to be blocking the tooth next to it.

Today Jack took both kids to their semi-annual dental appointment. They took a panoramic x-ray of Kelsey and have referred her to the orthodontist.

*headdesk*

Mother-f-er. SRSLY? Will already had to get a butt load of ortho work done. He's 8 years old and has already had braces. He has space maintainers on the top and he's getting them for the bottom on Friday. We switched insurance at the beginning of the year. I figured since we were already maxed out on ortho for Will, we wouldn't need it anyway. Now the insurance we have, ortho is excluded.

Does it ever end? I mean, really. I need to sell a kidney or some shit. Any takers?

A "not very pleasant" note from Will

2009-04-20T15:34:00.000-07:00

We were in Northern California for my MIL's wedding from Wednesday to Sunday. On Friday night, we threw her a surprise bridal shower. As most people know, bridal showers are generally for females. So Will was very upset that he couldn't come upstairs and be a part of it. Kelsey was w/ us, as was his four year old cousin. He wasn't a happy camper. They have a big bonus room upstairs and I could kind of seem him loitering outside the door, giving me the evil eye.

A few minutes after I saw them, he came in and handed me a fake rose petal (part of the decorations). He said "This note is for you. It's not a very pleasant note." and then he left.

~~I'm kind of having to wing it, b/c I can't find the damn thing. Which really pisses me off, b/c I thought I put it in my pocket.~~ I went upstairs and asked him and he remembered it word for word. Somehow, that doesn't surprise me.

Dear moma,
I'm not going to be your ring bearer anymore. And I'm serious.
Not your love,
Will

I have more stories about him. Including the speech he gave at the reception. God, I love that kid.

Kids & Tofu

2009-04-07T09:40:00.001-07:00

I don't make tofu very often. If you don't cook it right, it tastes like, well, nothing. If you make you're able to make good tofu, then it is good.

On Sunday night, I made Barbequed Tofu Sandwiches. They were really good. Jack and even my brother liked them. Because of this misconception that Will has about "my" food, I told him it was chicken. No, that doesn't make me horrible. Just sneaky. LOL

He loved it. LOVED it. He even wanted seconds. I couldn't eat my whole sandwich, so I gave him the rest of mine. As he was finishing his, I told him what it really was. He thought I meant the one I gave him. I told him that it was all the same. After that, he wouldn't eat anymore.

Freaking kids. This is what happens when I try to cook. Next time, I'm just going to stick to the lie.

He's like me in one way

2009-04-02T05:38:00.000-07:00

The running joke in our family is that Kelsey is my mini-me. Well, Will is like me in some ways, too.

Yesterday morning, I told him to get dressed (twice) and when he didn't come downstairs, I went up to see what he was doing. He was still in his underwear and he was reading. He's been really into the Lemony Snicket series and was almost done w/ one of the books. It instantly brought to mind how many times I was caught reading when I wasn't supposed to be.

Honestly, I did know if I should hug him or yell at him.

My April Fool's Joke

2009-04-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

At about 2:00 a.m. on April 1st, 1999 I woke up after having the strangest dream - in which I was having labor pains and Tom Cruise (this was back before he went batshit crazy, thankyouvermuch) was my birthing coach - with a dire need to use the bathroom. I crawled out of bed and headed down the hall to the bathroom. When I got back to bed I found the surprise of a lifetime - my bed was soaked. And not in a good way.

I was in labor (though sadly there was no Tom in sight) and my water had broken. I woke up my (now ex) husband and told him it was time to go to the hospital. While he scrambled around all panicked I grabbed a quick shower and put a bag together (I wasn't due for another 9 days, so I hadn't packed one yet). The RB (my ex) was basically useless, standing there staring at me while I finished packing and getting myself ready to go. Eventually I told him he needed to get dressed and he shook his head like he was coming out of a daze and threw some clothes on.

While he did that I called his mom to let her know we were bringing The Girl over and then called my mom (who was living in California at the time) to let her know we were going to the hospital. That done, I woke The Girl up and got her ready to go.

We gathered everything up and headed out the door, only to stop short. While we'd been sleeping peacefully in our beds a storm had moved in and there was over 3 feet of snow on the ground with a blizzard still raging. Naturally, because nothing can ever be easy, we didn't own a 4 wheel drive. The RB went down to clear off the car and warm it up.

It was slow going - when there's a storm like that the streets don't get plowed in the middle of the night - but we eventually made it to his parent's house where we dropped The Girl off, and then to the hospital. Once we were all checked in and I had an epidural (best invention like, ever) we settled in to wait.

I'll spare you the gruesome details of labor and delivery (like how the RB said I sounded like a pig while grunting through contractions and I broke his hand - hey, he isn't the Rat Bastard for nothing), but at 10:49 a.m., Little Man was born. We made the requisite calls and then I knocked out. I was discharged from the hospital at 9:00 the next morning. When we got home we checked the answering machine and there were about 15 messages, almost all of them from my mother, "If this is some kind of April Fool's joke I'm going to kick your ass! Call me back!"

Gotta love the Devil Woman.

Like I said, his due date wasn't until April 9th, so in a way, he was my April Fool's joke.

Dear Little Man,

You're a strange child, often a PITA, occasionally super silly and stubborn as all get out. But you're also helpful, sweet and a total joy to me.

I love you with all my heart and I'm so glad you're mine. Yes, even when you're a PITA.

Happy 10th Birthday, Baby Boy!

Love,

Your mama

At least he can blame it on sleepwalking

2009-03-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

Looks like I'm not the only one getting lost in our house. Last night when I was heading upstairs to go to bed, I heard the laundry room door close. So I joked to Jack that Molly needed some privacy, so she closed the door (not all the way). She's weird like that, so I wasn't surprised at all.

When I got upstairs, I saw that the light in the laundry room was on and went to turn it off. What did I find? Will, with his shorts down and about to pee in Molly's water. I got there in the nick of time and gently steered him to the bathroom. The only thing I thought I had to worry about when it came to Will's nighttime bathroom visits was whether or not he'd put the seat up. Obviously I have to re-evaluate.

Happy Birthday, Kelsey

2009-03-19T07:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelsey,

Today you turn seven years old.

If there is one thing that daddy and I have learned about you in the past seven years, it is that you do things your way. From the moment I was pregnant with you, we have not had a minute of peace. You made your existence known from the womb. I had morning sickness for my whole pregnancy with you. I went into labor at 1am on March 19, 2002.

I told daddy that we should have known right then...you weren't going to be easy. That turned out to be an understatement.

We spent five days in the hospital after you were born b/c of your heart. If I would have known who you were going to turn out to be, I would have said that you did it on purpose to have all of our attention to yourself.

Raising you has been a rollercoaster ride. There is no other person in the world that can make me as mad as you do. There is no other person in the world who can make me laugh as much as you do. So while life hasn't been peaceful since you were born, it has still been wonderful. You bring joy to our lives, Kelsey. Even though life is a constant struggle since you've been born, we wouldn't change anything about you.

I hope your day lives up to your expectations. I have never seen anyone as happy as you were this morning when I said "Happy Birthday". It's times like these that make everything we've gone through with you worth it. Your smile and laugh is infectious. I think even Will would agree.

Happy seventh birthday, Kelsey. I love you.

Love,
Momma

P.S. Can you believe that daddy actually reminded me not to forget your birthday before he left this morning??

PITA - It's a Type of Flatbread, I Swear!

2009-03-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

Until September when I got laid off, I worked for a mortgage broker as a loan processor. Which basically means I processed the paperwork to find out if potential homeowners qualified for a mortgage. As we often say, "When you're dealing with people's money, you're dealing with their emotions." Which is basically a really nice way of saying people are assholes when it comes to signing their life away for 30+ years. Believe me, I understand. That's a huge commitment. Understanding, however, does not mean it didn't piss me off when clients would ride my ass or be rude to me just because they were stressed out.

As a way to combat our frustration, we would occasionally threaten to charge a PITA fee to the worst offenders. We wouldn't have actually done this ~~except that one time..or ten~~, of course, since it's completely unethical, but the idea of it made us feel much better.

PITA = Pain In The Ass

Since then, I often use the word PITA in that context. "Running all these errands is a PITA.", "MM is being a PITA.", etc. I think it's a nice alternative to actually saying the curse word. Not that I have a problem saying Ass or anything, but I can't exactly say naughty words in front of my children, right? Perfect solution.

Until the other day. Because that's when I broke the cardinal rule of parenthood and called my son a PITA. In my defense, he was being one.

He had a field trip on Thursday and was getting his stuff ready the night before. Because he was so excited, he was almost literally bouncing off the walls. He was running around the house, jumping on the furniture, laughing hysterically over nothing and generally driving me batshit crazy.

Around 8:30 (his bedtime is 9) I asked him if he had his clothes set out and his lunch made. Naturally he did not. I told him to get started and I'd be along to help him shortly. After much more running around, jumping and being a general PAIN IN MY ASS he finally brought me his clothes for the next day. A pair of jeans that he grew out of months ago and a tank top I think he wore when he was 5 (as an aside: I have no idea where he finds these too small clothes. Every few months I go through their clothes and get rid of the ones that no longer fit. And yet inevitably he shows up with something that's so small a toddler could wear it. WTF?) and socks with holes in them. Argh.

I sent him back to get new clothes and he came back with two t-shirts and a pair of shorts. Why two t-shirts? Because I told him he needed to layer. *headdesk* At this point I was beyond frustrated and finally said, "Dude, you're a total PITA, did you know that?"

Uh..oops?

He says, "Mom, what's a PITA?" and I say, without missing a beat, "It's a type of bread" and he gets all skeptical and says, "No seriously, what is it."

Crap, I'm a horrible mother.

I explained that a PITA is a type of flatbread and that it's actually what MM uses when he makes mini-pizzas (another aside: Which is actually something he saw on the Rachel Ray show and is really great for a quick meal. The kids love them and they're easy to make.). I was rather proud of myself for coming up with such a wonderful response until he said, "Mom, that's not what you meant!" My child is not as dumb as I expect him to be. I said, "Really, I just meant that you're stuffed full of it!" and he gave me that look like, "yeah right".

So I did what any good, self-respecting mother would do. I said, "No really, ask MM" and then fled the room.

Did you hear that? That was the sound of my Mother of the Year nomination being flushed down the toilet.

Again.

Out of the Mouths of Babes - Take Two

2009-03-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Will cracks me up b/c he is soooo literal about everything.

1. What is something your mom always says to you?
Kelsey: I love you
Will: I love you

2. What makes your mom happy?
Kelsey: Um, when, um [pauses] when Daddy tickles me and makes me laugh.
Will: Um, us being quiet.

3. What makes your mom sad?
Kelsey: When somebodys bes rude to you, like someone in your family. I wonder who she's talking about?Will: When we don’t listen.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Kelsey: When you tickle me.
Will: When she laughts when Kelsey farts while she’s getting tickled.

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Kelsey: Um, you had, um, your gums were hurting down here (points to where her gums are currently hurting).
Will: You had short hair and small.

6. How old is your mom?
Kelsey: 24
Will: 27 years old. This is the right answer.

7. How tall is your mom?
Kelsey: Seven inches.
Will: Something, something. I have no clue what you are.

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Kelsey: Read
Will: Read

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Kelsey: Play Rockband.
Will: Read

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Kelsey: If we had a little camera and watch you do Rockband. Huh???
Will: Be funny. No, no, no, no. Be an actress.

11. What is your mom really good at?
Kelsey: Reading. Oh and playing the drums on Rockband.
Will: Reading.

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Kelsey: You’re not very good at doing the guitar.
Will: Using your back right. Because your back is hurt.

13. What does your mom do for her job?
Kelsey: Just type on your computer.
Will: Talk with people.

14. What's your mom's favorite food?
Kelsey: Red beans and rice.
Will: Enchiladas.

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
Kelsey: I’m proud of you because you always laugh.
Will: When you love us.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Kelsey: iCarly (who is technically not a cartoon).
Will: Bugs Bunny.

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Kelsey: Play with dart guns.
Will: Read.

18. How are you and your mom the same?
Kelsey: We both have blue eyes and we both have blonde hair.
Will: You and I aren’t the same. Oh, we both like to read.

19. How are you and your mom different?
Kelsey: You’re big and I’m small. And you wear bras and I don’t.
Will: You’re female. This cracked me up. He's so literal.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Kelsey: ‘Cuz I’m your daughter.
Will: You hug us and kiss us.

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Kelsey: Cabelas. Oh, not Cabelas. The make-up store at the mall.
Will: The bookstore.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2009-03-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

I first saw this over at Rosie's, then Lori did it with her boys, then Tracy with her girls. I decided to ask my children, too.

1. What is something your mom always says to you?
TG – Go to bed
LM– Go to bed. Get out of bed. Bye. Love you. See you tonight. See you in the morning.
(LM and I have a ritual we say every night at bed and every morning when he leaves for school. I say, "Goodnight. Love you. See you in the morning"and then he says it back to me. We've done this since he was a toddler. If I don't say it, he kind of freaks out. It's cute. I hope we can do it forever - though I seriously doubt it.)

2. What makes your mom happy?
TG – When I get my homework done on time without anyone asking me
LM – Books and the computer

3. What makes your mom sad?
TG – When I get in trouble at school
LM – When MM is being a jerkyface (heh)

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
TG – By smiling (aww)
LM – By tickling me.

5. What was your mom like as a child?
TG – Hard to say, I wasn't around for that
LM – How are we supposed to know that? I'd guess crazy.

6. How old is your mom?
TG – 29 ...she thinks she's 25, though (I said I stopped celebrating at 25, not that I think I'm 25)
LM – 29

7. How tall is your mom?
TG – 5'2"
LM – 5'2" (I'm actually 5'3", but close enough)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
TG – Read
LM – Read

9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?
TG – Read, Play the Wii, Clean house
LM – Read, and play games on the computer and the Wii, and eat ice cream.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
TG – Publishing a book, considering the fact that you already edit plenty
LM – Publishing books
(Which is very funny, since I have no desire to publish a book. Also, I think TG meant "reviewing" when she said editing. Same difference? :P )

11. What is your mom really good at?
TG – Mopping the floors
LM - Reading books

12. What is your mom not very good at?
TG – Keeping her cool when MM says something stupid
LM – Math
(Right after I asked TG this, MM yelled at me from the living room so I yelled back. I wonder if that influenced her answer?)

13. What does your mom do for her job?
TG – Cleans the house, stays at home
LM – Nothing. Sit at home and read, play on the computer and the Wii. And ask me questions. (Once again, I sense MM in this)

14. What is your mom’s favorite food?
TG – I'm not sure. I'm seriously not sure what my own mom's favorite food is.
LM – Gumbo (I made this for dinner the other night much to the chagrin of he and MM. My favorite food is actually Peanut Butter.)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
TG – That she's a good mom, period. I was going to list stuff, but you're really just a good mom. (awwww!)
LM – Doing nothing at home. Because you're lazy. I like lazy mother's. (much giggling ensued...brat)

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
TG – Donald Duck. *pause* I was debating between Donald Duck and Eyeore. (uh..ok)
LM - Truffles. Because she's crazy and scary and mad. (According to the website: "Mung Daal's wife, Truffles, likes to be the boss and has a very competitive streak. While Mung Daal handles the cooking, Truffles takes care of everything else." Not sure how I feel about that. Hmm...)

17.What do you and your mom do together?
TG – We get our nails done and we sit around a lot.
LM – Sit around and watch t.v.
(Makes me sound really lazy, doesn't it?)

18. How are you and your mom the same?
TG – We both look alike. We're both short. We both love to read. We both love boys that can turn different shades of red. (I need to take a break here to talk about this boy she "loves". Brb)
LM – We like watching t.v., we like playing on the computer and Wii, we like going to bed and.....that's it. Oh and we like doggies.

19. How are you and your mom different?
TG – Our sense of style. You're always like,"NO! Go back and change".
LM – She likes reading books and her eBook reader and blogging and publishing books. (Doesn't know me at all, does he?)

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
TG – Cause she says it lots.
LM – Because she says it to me every night and morning. And she shows it by hugging me.

21. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?
TG – Borders
LM – The book store.
(oh, so true.)

The "P" Word

2009-03-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

Last night I made Tamale Pie for dinner. It's basically a casserole made with ingredients similar to those in regular tamales. As we were sitting around the table eating, the following conversation ensued.

Little Man, who is the pickiest eater ever says, "Mom, why did you put bacon in this?"
Me: Because the recipe called for it. It gives it extra flavor.
LM: Oh.
The Girl says: LM doesn't like bacon.
MM rolls his eyes and says, "Do you like sausage?"
LM: Yes.
MM and I look at each other, b/c hello, it all comes from the same place.
LM, misunderstanding our exchange says, "Not that kind of sausage!"
LM and TG bust up laughing.

Whoa. Wait a minute. What? Little Man is 9. What kind of sausage would a 9 year old be talking about?

MM says, "What does that mean? What's so funny?"
TG: LM has been hanging out with Kyle too much.
MM: I asked LM what that meant, not you. Let him answer.

Little Man is giggling so hard now he can't breathe and The Girl joins him.

Finally LM mumbles something that sound suspiciously like "wee wee sausage" and MM and I stare at each other for a minute. I raise an eyebrow in a "did he really say what I think he said" kind of way and MM shrugs. We both turn back to Little Man and demand he repeat himself. After several more minutes of giggling...

MM: Little Man, what kind of sausage were you referring to?
LM: Wee Wee Sausage.
MM: Wee Wee Sausage? You mean like Lil' Smokies?
LM shakes his head: No, MM, not like that.
MM: Well, those are the only Wee Wee Sausages I know of. Oh, did you mean PENIS?
The Girl: OMG! Stop! *she covers her ears* Don't say it again!
MM: Why? That's what it's called. That's the clinical term for it. Check your science book.
TG: OMG!!! They don't have that in my science book. They have things like Earthquakes and stuff.
Me: Babe, I think they might be a bit young to have that in their science books.
MM: Oh. Well eventually TG, you'll have Penis' in your science book.
TG: OMG! Stop! Mom, can I leave the table? Please?!?
MM: Why do you want to leave the table?
TG: PLEASE LET ME LEAVE MOM!
MM to LM: So, did you mean Lil' Smokies or Penis'?

At that point The Girl got up and hid and in the pantry. 5 seconds later when MM said "Penis" again, Little Man joined her.

You know what I wanna know? Who the hell is Kyle and what has he been teaching my child?

Hmmm

2009-03-05T08:20:00.000-08:00

As the kids were walking out this morning.....

The Girl: Bye Mom. Love you.
Little Man: Bye Mom. Love you. Have a good day at work.
Me: Bye kids. Love you.
LM: Er, well, you don't go to work.
TG: Crap, I forgot something in my room.
Me: TG, you aren't bringing Eclipse to school.
TG: Ugh.
LM: Bye. Have a good day at work.
The Girl almost drops her backpack
TG: That would have been bad.
LM: Why do I keep saying "have a good day at work"? She doesn't go to work.
TG: LM, her job is to stay home and clean the house. This is her work.
The door closes behind them.

Kids. Why do I get the feeling they heard that particular line from MM?

No More Mom to the Rescue

2009-03-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to figure out WTF happened at my children's school recently to allow them unlimited access to the phone. I'm not joking when I say unlimited, either. My children are 12 and (almost) 10. They do not have cell phones. They aren't even in the realm of possibly getting a cell phone at this point. I think it's ridiculous that 90% of the 6th grade already have cell phones.

But that's a rant for another day.

The point here is that they don't have cell phones and yet I received 7 phone calls from them yesterday. Yes, 7. 3 times The Girl called begging, begging, me to bring her Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer (the book she's currently reading), despite the fact that she was banned from taking it to school because she wasn't paying attention in class (I made her leave it at home, just so you know. The school didn't ban it..).

Then she called in the afternoon (I was at the doctor) and left a message on my cell phone, "Uh, hey mom, it's me, your daughter, The Girl" in case I didn't know that she, The Girl, was, in fact, my daughter?, "Uh, well..just listen to the message on the answering machine at home before 3:10, ok?" This message was left at 3:05. While I was across town. *headdesk* The reason for the message? She needed me to sign her release form allowing her to stay after school on Tuesday's for play practice. Something she neglected to tell me about.

Little Man also called twice to tell me he didn't have choir practice (he NEVER has choir on Tuesdays. Never. EVER.) and then to let me know he wanted to sign up for track. Track starts in 3 weeks and the sign-up sheets haven't even been sent home yet. W.T.F.

This morning The Girl called me because she forgot her binder at home. Now, for those of you not in the know, The Girl has major homework issues. Every Monday she brings me a progress report from the week before. If it's noted that she didn't turn in her homework, she's grounded to her room until she brings me a clean progress report. She was once grounded - TO HER ROOM - for 4 consecutive weeks for not turning in her homework

I feel that responsibility is just as important as actually doing the work, so her telling me she forgot her homework at home isn't a good enough excuse to get her out of being grounded. I.e, just because she left her binder at home doesn't mean she gets a pass. Actually, IMO, it's worse, because she's supposed to put her binder in her backpack and place her backpack by the front door every night after she does her homework.

Anyway, she calls me this morning and begs me to bring her binder in before 11 so she can turn her homework in. Last week I got called to the school 4 different times between her and Little Man because they kept forgetting things, needing things, etc. *sigh*

So far I've been rescuing them, but after today I plan to have a sitdown with them to explain that just because I'm home during the day now does not make me their personal assistant. If they forget things, too bad for them. And no more 50 phone calls a day about random things. Sheesh.

No more Mom to the Rescue!

Valentine's Day Don'ts

2009-02-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

If your child makes you a rose out of two Hershey kisses, for the love of God, do not eat it. It doesn't matter if it is that time of the month and that rose contains the only chocolate in the house. Do not eat it.

If you don't heed my advice, you'll be looking at a face like this:

In case any of you are wondering, the reason I shove a camera in her face when she cries is b/c it stops her from crying. She is so photogenic...she won't be caught dead crying in a picture. Look tragic? Yes. Look like a brat? No.

And if that one made you smile, this one should make you laugh.

Jack & Will

2009-02-06T07:48:00.000-08:00

You can't tell that these two are father and son, can you?

I was going to post about our weekend in Vancouver, but came across this picture and couldn't resist posting it.

I Just Can't Catch A Break

2009-01-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I got a letter in the mail from the kids school. This always makes me nervous. Probably because whenever my parents got notes in the mail when I was growing up they contained bad news. "Your child has missed 72 days in her first period class." or "Your child was caught fighting on the playground today." "Your child got caught having sexy under the bleachers today." Ok, so that last one never happened, but still.. *shudder*

So of course my first thought was, "Cripes, what did you do now?" Er..actually I might not have just thought it. It's possible I actually said that out loud. Like..to him. But we don't need to bring up old shit, right? Anyway the note ended up being good. He's receiving an award next week for being the most improved student in the class. If you read my post about Homework Hell you understand what a great accomplishment this is for him. We still have to fight with him every night to get it done, but it is getting done. YAY!

I also got a letter about The Girl. It turns out she's been put in to be tested for..well, basically for honors. Hello awesome! And..shocking. Not that she isn't extremely intelligent, she absolutely is, but she's also absolutely lazy. Everything sounds great, right?

Yeah, until today. When The Girl brings home her weekly progress report and guess what? She didn't turn in two of her homework assignments last week. Which means...she's grounded. From life. Until she brings us a clean progress report.

How can a child that smart be that dumb?

I just really can't catch a break, can I?

Letters from Kelsey

2009-01-21T06:00:00.000-08:00

This is a new one. Usually it's letters to Kelsey. Yesterday she got in trouble and didn't get to go on our walk. Will and I went and Jack stayed home with Kelsey. She threw a huge fit, said she would be good, and generally cried like her heart was breaking. When we got home, we came in the door and there was a letter on the rug right inside the door. It's a piece of paper, folded in half.

Front:

To: Moma From Kelsey
:( :( :(

Inside:

Moma I nevr won't to go no a wock with you ene more in my life ef in your life so their now.

Translation:

Momma, I never want to go on a walk with you any more in my life if (or?) in your life so there now.

At first, I wasn't happy b/c it really is a rude note written in a fit of anger. At the same time, I'm happy that she's able to express herself like that. I guess it's better that way than her yelling it in my face.

The wrath of Jack

2009-01-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

Don't bother him when he watches football. Even though Kelsey experienced what happens first hand, I'll have to remind her before the Super Bowl.

On Sunday, Jack was watching football and I was doing homework. Kelsey started crying from upstairs. Neither of us moved. ~~I felt bad about that after the fact, but~~ it's her own damn fault. We're so used to hearing her cry or throw fits that we don't react. This time, she was really hurt. She fell and hit her head. She had a huge goose egg. Touching it made my head hurt. When Jack went upstairs, I heard Will saying "I didn't do it, I didn't do it!".

When Kelsey came down, I set her up with an icepack. Will came downstairs right as I noticed some blood on her shirt. I asked what happened and Will said he didn't do anything, he just "gave her a bloody nose by accident".

Huh.

Later that night, Jack was still watching football when we put the kids to bed. Kelsey has always been the child that puts off going to bed. She doesn't care what she has to do. She'll need five drinks of water, decide she needs to brush her teeth again, or she may need an icepack b/c something is itching. Regardless, we've gotten used to her excuses. Or I thought we had. She came down and started crying about how her head is going to hurt "tomorrow and the next day and the day after that and probably the day after that, too". Jack got mad at her. See, in his mind she was trying to make us feel guilty because she was hurt. She's six.

The lesson learned? Don't come between Jack Bauer and football playoffs.

Boys Are Strange

2009-01-19T11:05:00.000-08:00

We have approximately 4 power outlets per room in our house. Some rooms have more and some rooms have less, but the average is 4. We have 9 rooms in our house, so that means we have approximately 36 power outlets in our house. I'd say of those, probably 4 are completely filled and and another 5 or so are covered by furniture. That leaves us with 27 open and available power outlets in our house. From where I'm sitting on the couch I can see 3 of them.

So why then I wonder did Little Man plug his Nintendo DS into the one in the dining room? I ask, because it seems odd to me that the child would choose the one outlet in the entire house that requires him to hide under the dining room table to use it.

Boys are so strange.

(The kids when to stay with their dad for a week after Christmas. When they came home, Little Man had a mohawk. Yes, a mohawk. This is an ongoing thing with us. If I don't get LM a haircut before he goes to his dad's he comes home with a mohawk. I have a feeling the RB (Aka: the Rat Bastard, their dad) does it on purpose just to piss me off. Isn't it awful?)

Kelsey = Cheeks

2009-01-16T12:56:00.000-08:00

I've been going through some old pictures on our computer and found this one a few weeks ago. It reminded me why she was given the nickname Cheeks (given by a very special friend).

She also wanted me to take a picture of her new haircut, front and back. I really wish I could pull this cut off.

Young Love

2009-01-14T14:27:00.000-08:00

When I picked up Will and Kelsey on Monday night, Will informed me that this girl named McKenzie wanted to be his "girlfriend". He was in her class last year and they are the only two members of the "Cafeteria Clean-Up Crew". So they've been friends for awhile. But now they're apparently boyfriend and girlfriend. Whatever that means in the 3rd grade. I asked him what he told her and he said that he hadn't answered her yet.

Last night, we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: Did you decide if McKenzie was going to be your girlfriend?

Will: I told her yes, but then this morning I broke up with her. I got back together with her at the end of the day, though.

Me: Why did you break up with her?

Will: Because she started telling people.

Jack: [Laughing so hard he can't really even say anything]

I was laughing at that point, too. It was just the way he said it that really set me off. I have never heard an eight year old that speaks as proper as this one does. He manages to get the exact right tone. So Jack and I talked to him about how he couldn't break up w/ a girl and get back together (I can't believe I just actually typed that about my 8 year old).

Then the conversation continued:

Me: So what happened? Did you just tell her you wanted to be her boyfriend again?

Will: No, I passed her a note.

Jack: [horrified] In class?

Me: They're not in the same class.

Will: No, in the hallway after school.

Me: Well, what did it say.

Will: It said "I'll be your boyfriend again if you don't tell anyone".

And the laughter started all over followed by another talk about how fragile the feeling of an 8 year old girl could be. Now if this girl was anything like Kelsey, she would have taken the note and shoved it down his throat.

Dinner at our House

2009-01-12T07:00:00.000-08:00

Lori often talks about her dinner conversation with her boys on her blog. If you haven't already, you should go check it out because she's hilarious! I love her and her boys.

We also have odd dinnertime interactions - but ours are more of the interactive variety. At least lately they are. A couple months ago we were having some conversation at dinner when MM made the girl laugh so hard she shot water out of her nose. Since then it's become a game for them to see what else she can shoot out her nose.

So far she's done:

Water
Juice
Milk
Apricots (sadly this happened at school and MM didn't get to see)

MM calls this game, "What Can The Girl Shoot Out Her Nose?". He also plays, "What Will Fat Boy Eat?" with our chubby dog, Chewy. You know, in case you were wondering.

The other night at the dinner table we started talking about something and TG snorted. This apparently reminded MM of his game. He waited until we were almost finished with dinner, then caught TG just as she took a drink. Then he whipped around in his chair (he sits at the head of the table and she sits on his left) and looked at her with this really creepy face he has (I made him recreate it for me so I could so you..creepy, isn't it?) with his fingers steeped - Mr. Burns style.

As soon as she saw him The Girl snorted and a stream of Egg Nog shot out her nose. A stream, people. This is what I have to deal with. Welcome to my own personal form of hell.

Although..It was pretty funny. Afterward she laughed so hard she cried while I took pictures and Little Man and MM made jokes. MM is still really pleased with himself. Last night we had pasta for dinner and he tried to talk her into seeing if she could shoot a pasta noodle out her nose. She refused, thank goodness. I kind of have to wonder how long it'll be before it happens, though.

Could You Survive?

2009-01-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

I've been dealing with a disc related back injury since the beginning of September. I've been in physical therapy for four months. Part of the PT is walking (brisk walking). He had me start doing that when the weather was really crappy and there was no way it could be done outside. So Jack and I would load the kids up and go to the gym. Since the weather has been much nicer the last week or so, I've been walking outside. Because they're not old enough to stay home alone, they have to come with me. They can walk, ride their scooters, or ride their bikes. We go about 1.6 miles around our subdivision which takes 25-30 minutes.

Yesterday afternoon, we set off with me walking and both Will and Kelsey on their bikes. We got about half a mile (most of this is downhill) and they started complaining that their legs hurt. I rolled my eyes at this point. The really bad part came at the end of the loop when we had to go back up the hill. It's not a very steep incline, more of a gradual hill. Will hasn't quite gotten the fact that you shouldn't stop halfway up to "rest". So they're both huffing and puffing, complaining about their legs being tired, that they're tired and are we almost done? I just wanted to knock their heads together, I was so annoyed.

Recently, they've been watching this show on the Discovery channel called "Could You Survive?". It's basically overweight, out of shape people that get put in a situation where they have to depend on physical strength for survival. I've watched the show with them, it really is a good show. So they've been watching recorded episodes of it for the last week or so.

This morning when I came downstairs to make coffee, they were watching the last episode. It was called "Wildfire". These two couples have to run 1.25 miles, climb a hill and run to the "helipad" all under a certain amount of time. So I'm making the coffee and Will asks me (completely serious by the way) "Do you think I could run 1.25 miles?"

I laughed. I laughed and laughed. I felt kind of bad for laughing so hard, but I was just remembering the day before he couldn't even ride his bike for 1.25 miles without stopping and complaining. So after I stopped laughing, I explained that no, I didn't think he could run 1.25 miles.

Both him and Kelsey are determined to try it. Apparently, when we go on our walk today, the two of them are going to "run". I'm thinking about trying to take the video camera. It's bound to be good entertainment.

How a kid sleeps

2009-01-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

really tells you how they live their life. This picture of Kelsey sleeping really says everything about her than needs to be said.

Gingerbread House Wars

2008-12-22T08:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday there was a Gingerbread house war at our house. Boys vs. Girls. Kelsey and I vs. Will and Jack. I say that Kelsey and I won, but Will and Jack don't agree. So I'm bringing it to you readers. Tell me which one is better. Don't let me down people.

Here are pictures, front and back of each one.

Lets talk Santa letters

2008-12-10T14:54:00.000-08:00

I am convinced that no child can be more creative than Will when it comes to writing a letter to Santa. This year, we only let them write a list of 10 things (explaining that when the economy is bad for us, it's bad for Santa, too). Here are a few things he put on his list:

1. XBox

Okay-we already have an XBox, but Will said that Jack doesn't let him play it enough. The XBox is downstairs and the Wii is upstairs in the playroom. So Will's resolution to that problem is to have an XBox upstairs and downstairs. Not very cost effective.

2. My own TV

I fully admit that my kids watch too much TV. That said, I draw the line at putting a TV in their room. That's one thing that they don't need.

3. iPhone

Yep, the kid wants an iPhone. Does he even have a cell phone? No. But he's decided that he wants an iPhone. Lovely.

So those were the three most outrageous things on his list. But of all Will's Santa lists, my all-time favorite is: "A refrigerator for my own room".

So share your kids Santa letters with us. Inquiring minds, etc.

Finally - Progress!

2008-12-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

Remember how I told you about the Homework Hell I've been living in? I think we may have finally made some progress - both with Little Man and The Girl. We had parent teacher conferences this week and we were pleasantly surprised.

Ok, I'm not gonna lie, the truth is we were downright shocked, shocked, to see The Girl's report card and hear what her teacher had to say. Not one bad mark. Not.A.Single.One.

Now, I know this might be kind of hard for some of you to understand but..this is an amazing accomplishment - both on our part and on hers. I haven't had a clean report card from her since KINDERGARTEN. Yes, really. Even then there was always something, like, "Needs to focus more" or "Needs to talk less" or something.

The Girl is a brilliant child. I'm not just saying that because she's mine, either. She really is brilliant. She has always exceeded every standard put before her. But she's also lazy. So while she can do it, she chooses not to most of the time. To get a report card like that....well, I cried. I think her teacher thought I was insane. Not only for crying, but for suggesting she's anything but the perfect student. I tried to explain, but she just looked at me like I was crazy.

Little Man also struggled at the beginning of the year. He's always been my golden child when it comes to school (and only at school!), but this year he took a turn for the worse and started screwing around in class and not turning assignments in. The thing about LM is this: He hates being isolated from the family. The worst punishment in the world for him is to be grounded to his room. When The Girl doesn't do her homework, her punishment is being grounded to her room. So naturally we had to do teh same for LM. I think being stuck in his room, with nothing to do but read, for an entire week cured him of whatever ailed him. Just after I talked to his teacher the last time, he pulled it together and hasn't had a bad mark since.

We weren't pleased with what his report card and school work showed prior to that point, but we agreed to wipe the slate clean and start over in the new trimester. I still have no idea why he decided to stop doing his work and acting out, but I can only hope it was a stage he's now grown out of.

The one bright spot with him? His math teacher. When we went to talk to her and I asked if he was missing any assignments or if she'd had any behavioral problems with him, I got that, "OMG, you're crazy" look from her (never thought I'd say it, but I kind of like getting that look in situations like that...). She said he's never missed an assignment and basically that he's a joy to have in class and she wishes all her students were like him. Just to drive the point home, that's what all his teachers have said since he started school. No joke. So it was refreshing to know he was doing well in at least one subject.

P/T conferences were Tuesday. On Friday we had award ceremonies and both kids got awards.

Little Man got a Reading Award, which is really surprising because the child hates to read. I figured he'd get a math award, but nope.

The Girl? The Girl swept the awards ceremony and brought home three: Reading (which isn't surprising, she's an avid reader...just like me), Math (which is very surprising..she's always hated math) and Spelling. Three awards, people.

I don't think the war has been won yet, but we took this battle.

Score one for the parent team.

Jack & babies

2008-12-01T08:42:00.000-08:00

I've always said that Jack is the best dad that I know. From the moment I had Will, he's just been amazing. There's nothing he wouldn't/won't do for his kids. Even babies that aren't his seem to love him. That is a huge source of amusement for me. Because while he loves his kids, he doesn't necessarily like other peoples kids.

My cousin has a little girl that just turned two in July. Sage is at that toddler stage where she knows what "no" means and she throws a fit if she doesn't get what she wants. We were watching a movie at my mom's house after Thanksgiving dinner. Jack was laying on the floor directly in front of the TV. Sage decided to stand in front of him. When he told her to sit down, she wouldn't. So Jack just plopped her down on her bottom. She didn't like that very much. She threw herself back and whacked her head on the floor. Then what did she do? She held her breath until she passed out.

Yep, Jack made a two year old baby pass out. Even though my cousin told me that it's something that Sage does, I still can't let Jack live that down. I mean, really. It's just too good.

A sick Kelsey

2008-11-25T13:15:00.000-08:00

makes the rest of the family miserable. My mom would agree that she takes after me. I am a horrible sick person. When I'm sick, I want my mom. That is not a joke, I really do. Kelsey doesn't necessarily want me. She just wants someone to listen to her cry about what hurts.

At the beginning of last week, Jack started getting sick. Will was already over whatever he had. Kelsey briefly got what he had, but it didn't completely take hold. Well, she has what Jack has. Mainly a sore throat. She also has a pretty nasty sounding cough and she's stuffed up. It's your normal cold virus. So we just give her medicine for it and hope for the best.

With Kelsey, that's not good enough. The main problem here is her sore throat. To give her credit, I think it really does hurt. And I feel bad for her. No one likes having a sore throat. She's taken Halls, Tylenol, and anything else I can think of that will relieve her sore throat. It's not good enough. She is constantly asking for medicine. Jack and Kelsey had a little exchange last night after she asked for medicine again for the fourth time in an hour.

Kelsey (walking down stairs w/ the whiniest voice you can imagine): My throat still hurts. I think I need more medicine.

Jack (HUGE sigh): Kelsey, we will give you medicine when it's time for you to get medicine. Stop asking for it.

Really, it's getting out of control. I know that her throat hurts, but it's like she's a six year old cold medicine junkie. So today, I went to the store. This is all the medicine we have for her. Just for her. This was all bought for one six year old child*.

Honestly, if this doesn't make her feel better, I'm going to tell her that it's impossible for her throat to hurt b/c she's had her tonsils out. Therefore it must all be in her head.

I also have to say that Will is the most perfect sick child I've ever seen. He normally gets sick on Friday night sometime, gets better sometime on Sunday, then goes back to school on Monday. God love that kid.

*Said six year old is not getting all this at one time.

Way to Work it, Girl...

2008-11-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I blogged about my MIL coming to stay with the kids while we went out of town. Before we left I sat the kids down and had "the talk" with them. You know which one I mean, right? The "if you don't behave yourselves this weekend I will kill you" talk. For the most part, I have pretty good kids. I don't usually worry about how they'll behave when I'm not around (when I am around is a whole other story, though). They tend to mind their manners and be respectful to whatever adult is in charge. But they haven't spent a lot of time with MM's mom, and I was afraid they'd test their boundaries with her and cause problems. Since this was the first time I'd left them alone I was worried.

So we had "the talk" and then I went over the rules with them. When it got to the bedtime rule, The Girl interrupted. "Mom, our bedtime is 9:30, not 9:00!" Excuse me child? I'm the one who set your bedtime, I should know what time it is! I said, "TG, your bedtime has been the same for 5 years. It's 9:00." She sputtered, "No it isn't! It's 9:30! You said we had to start getting ready for bed at 9:00, but we didn't actually have to go to bed until 9:30!"

Sometimes I just can't believe her. She actually argued with me. Her mother! The one who set her bedtime to begin with. Who does that?

When my MIL got here, I gave her the kids' homework schedules (more about that later) and told her the kids' bedtimes were 9:00. I made sure to tell her to watch out for The Girl, because she'd try to stay up later if possible. She said she'd be on her guard.

Later that night The Girl and I were talking and she asked, rather slyly, "So Grandma is in charge while you're gone, right?" I know my child, so I was already suspicious. "Yes, TG, she's in charge while I'm gone." She smiled, "So what she says goes, right? Even if she breaks one of your rules." This girl. "Yes, TG, what she says goes. I'm not going to be here and she's in charge of you, so if she tells you to do something or says something is ok even though I wouldn't normally let you do it, you listen to her." Her smile got bigger and she nodded her head. I knew this didn't bode well.

Sure enough, MM gets a call on his cell phone Thursday night. We were in the checkout line at Target when the phone rang. MM rolled his eyes when he saw his mom's number on the screen. He answered and asked if everything was ok. It was The Girl. She asked if I was asleep (why she'd ask if I was asleep at 8:00 p.m. is totally beyond me, but whatever) and MM said, "I hope not, since she's standing right next to me." Now, if you remember, TG has phone issues. I guess she didn't understand what MM said, because he kept repeating it. "I hope she isn't asleep, since she's standing right here." After a few seconds of this MM pulled his phone from his ear and looked at it funny, then put it back and said, "No she's not tanning! Why would she be tanning? You're not the brightest of our children, are you?" Evidently she couldn't understand what he was saying and somehow got "tanning" from "standing".

When he said, "You're not the brightest of our children, are you?" I looked at the cashier and she bust out laughing. She'd kind of been snickering at the conversation all along, but she really lost it when he said that. Then she kind of paused when she saw me looking at her and her eyes got wide, like maybe she was afraid I was going to be mad. I just rolled my eyes and grinned at her. Freaking MM.

Anyway, it turns out The Girl was calling because she'd been trying to explain to Grandma that if she said the kids could stay up until 9:30, they could. Grandma wasn't buying this after the big production I made about their bedtime being 9:00, though. The Girl had to call me so I could tell my MIL that it was true, she was in charge while I was gone and if she said it was ok for the kids to stay up until 9:30 then they could. I couldn't help it, I just laughed. Only my child, people. Only my child.

My MIL got on the phone and I told her, yes, she was in charge and if she wanted the kids to stay up until 9:30 they could. She said, "Well, I don't mind if they stay up late, but since you made such a big deal about it...." In the end I said I didn't care what they did, since I wasn't home to witness it.

All this, over a freaking half hour. Manipulative little brat, my daughter. Still, I have to give her credit for working the angles.

(and no, I'm not going to share with you how MM later told me I had, in fact, told the kids their new bedtime could be 9:30 and then promptly forgot, but thanks for stopping by anyway)

Gotta Love Grandma

2008-11-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

This past weekend MM and I went to Salt Lake City to see my brother graduate college. The school asked that we not bring our children if we could avoid it, so we asked MM's mom to stay with them. Both Grandma and the kids were excited to spend the weekend together. Grandma because she could spoil the kids and the kids because they knew they'd get spoiled.

Me? I don't get too worked up about it. I was a bit nervous about leaving them when I considered how much sugar they were sure to have (which was confirmed when my MIL showed up with a "funnel cake kit" and told me they were going to have great fun), not to mention what the state of our house would be when we got home, but overall I was just glad MM's mom was willing to stay with the kids.

Of course, that was before my brother-in-law started texting MM and I pictures. Pictures of the kids and dogs running a muck in the house. Pictures of the house, period. I about died when I got this one:

Yes, that is my house, people. Not that you can see it for all the crap every where. Apparently they decided to build forts and have a sleepover in the living room. Lucky for me (or maybe for them?) they cleaned everything up before we got home.

But yesterday I was searching for the tape and couldn't find any. I asked the kids where all the tape was and they laughed and said they used it all to build their fort. Yes, they used tape to hold it together. About 6 rolls of it, if memory serves. *eye roll*

Religion

2008-11-19T08:19:00.000-08:00

The other day, the kids and I were in the car when Will asked me if we were Christians. I explained to him what a Christian was and then told him that he was Catholic. Then he started asking me about God and Jesus and all the things that would be answered better by Jack. We started talking about how Jesus died for our sins, etc. Then I explained about the Second Coming. Leave it to a kid to come up with this:

"So when Jesus rises from the dead, will he be a zombie?"

I couldn't even answer, I was laughing so hard.

Taylor or Miley?

2008-11-13T12:35:00.000-08:00

When outraged parents came out several years ago complaining that their impressionable daughters' idol, Britney Spears, wasn't so wholesome anymore, it really wasn't a blip on my radar. My kids were both babies at the time and I remember thinking that the parents should do less complaining to the media and more talking to their kids. Little did I know that about five years later, I would be in that same position.

Kelsey loves both Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus. Every night, she falls asleep to the music of Taylor Swift. Anytime I see her on any talkshow/award show/news show, I record it for her. She loves Taylor Swift. I love her, too. She is exactly the type of celebrity that I would want Kelsey to look up to. She never looks slutty. She almost always looks her age. The other day, Taylor was on Ellen and Kelsey was glued to the TV. She loved seeing the pictures from when Taylor was a baby and the video of Taylor singing when she was a kid. She literally felt joy just from watching this eighteen year old teenager talk.

Miley Cyrus OTOH? I feel like sending her a letter telling her that in case she forgot, she's only 15. She'll have plenty of time to dress like a 25 year old, please wait until she's at least 20. I know that part of it is just society today and how our kids are introduced to certain things so much sooner than we were, but come on. Miley Cyrus looks like she's 20 years old. Sometimes I forget that she's only 15. With Britney Spears, she was growing up so of course her image was going to change. Considering Miley's age, and what crowd she is most popular with, could she please try to set some sort of good example? Not that I'm going to let Kelsey start wearing makeup and dressing skanky. I count myself lucky that Kelsey just likes Hannah Montana. She doesn't really differentiate between Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus.

Another thing I don't like about Miley is how freakin' expensive it is to go to any of her shows. My sister and I were talking about how she charged $200 per ticket to her birthday party at Disneyland. Srsly? If you're in the position that she is in, you have to make yourself available for your fans, the very people that have made you as popular as you are. I know that I wouldn't drop down $400 for two tickets to Disneyland, even if I lived in Socal. Pul-lease.

Kelsey is only six, so I realize that it's just beginning. Lucky me.

They actually can get along

2008-11-11T14:10:00.000-08:00

I admit, I am a horrible teacher. I was lucky that Will picked up reading as well as he did b/c I didn't have very much patience. That sounds horrible, doesn't it?

Anyway, teaching Kelsey is much easier b/c I have Will. He lets her read to him and I have to say, he's surprisingly patient. You know those times that you look at your kids and just think of how lucky you are? That's how I felt when I took this picture.

On an unrelated note, Will is sick right now. He has that seal-like barking cough that makes you shudder. Anytime he sneezes, he sounds like he's choking. Even knowing that, my heart still jumps every time he sneezes.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

And now for the real reason I had kids..

2008-10-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

I just took this picture. At 7:15 a.m. Yesterday I cleaned the carpets. The furnature was still all moved around this morning, so I told Little Man to let me vacuum and then we'd put the dining room back together so he could have breaskfast.

He asked if he could vacuum instead. What am I gonna say to that, no? Ha! So then I thought, well shoot, he loves to vacuum and the rest of the house still needs a run through, so....

He vacuumed the whole house. Isn't he great? And wasn't I just the best mom ever for giving in to him and letting him have his way?

I thought so, too.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Soccer

2008-10-22T08:55:00.000-07:00

Last night Kelsey had a soccer game. This is the first year that they actually have positions, goalie included. It's the year that the coaches really try to teach the kids how to play as a team. Pass the ball, don't fight over it with your own team mate. We've always told both our kids that passing the ball to someone who scores a goal is just as good as scoring the goal yourself.

There's this one girl on Kelsey's team (actually there's two) that just won't pass the ball to save her life. It's really annoying. If three girls are on her and another player is wide open in the middle, she still won't pass it. Instead of passing it to Kelsey who was yelling "Pass, pass!", she kicked it out of bounds. Kelsey walked up to her and said "Didn't you hear me saying pass?" and the girl just said "No!". I kind of don't blame the girl for the attitude b/c Kelsey can get snarky when she puts her mind to it.

In the same quarter, Kelsey made two really good passes. Both times, the person she passed it to scored a goal. We were really proud of her. She was proud of herself, too. She walked up to the girl and pointed toward the goal and said "See, that is passing.".

My daughter is not afraid to speak her mind.

It's always funny when it doesn't happen to you

2008-10-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

My sister sent me a text message on Saturday night and it still makes me laugh when I think about it. Jack and I were watching Life when I get a text message that begins like this:

your nephews and niece almost got us busted. they called 911 and hung up.

She goes on to tell me that when they called back, she didn't answer the phone until the 3rd call. Jack and I were laughing our bums off b/c, like the title says, it's always funny when it doesn't happen to you.

Last night I was telling my mom and dad about it (still laughing) when Will asked me if they got in trouble. Jenni, I don't know if they did, but I told him that they were grounded for a month. LOL

Oh and one more question...when 9-1-1 calls, does it say 9-1-1 on the caller id? Jack and I were discussing that and are really curious to know.

Conversations

2008-10-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

This conversation took place about 15 minutes after this one. ~~Cheeks~~ Kelsey was talking about one of her friends. Kelsey and Bella act like sisters, which is not always a good thing. Bella is the only girl in her family (other than her mom). She has three brothers that are over the age of sixteen. So she is the princess of the family. That girl gets what she wants. So while her and Kelsey get along really well most of the time, they also butt heads when they don't agree. Bella b/c she is used to getting her way and Kelsey b/c she's ~~a control freak~~ strong willed like her mother. We were talking about what she should do when Bella tells her she can't play with her and [insert other kids names here]. This is the conversation that followed:

Me: If that happens, you need to go tell a teacher (this is at daycare after school).

~~Jack Jr~~ Will: [aggravated] They don't go to a teacher, they come and complain to me. Kelsey, I am not a teacher. I do not.solve.problems. Do you understand?

I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that Kelsey was looking at me. We both immediately bursted out laughing b/c he sounded like such an old man when he said that. Those who actually know him won't be surprised, but it's always funny when you hear that tone coming out of any eight year old.

Homework Hell

2008-10-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

I can't remember if I've talked about this before, but we have major issues with The Girl and homework. As in, she hates to do it and we have to make her. I know this probably doesn't sound unfamiliar to a lot of you, but trust me when I say our problem is a lot worse than most. A lot worse.

Let me give you a basic break down. The short version, if you will.

This started in kindergarten. She'd bring her homework home and then offer it to the dog and/or cat.
In first grade she told me she didn't have homework (and why would she in 1st grade?) and threw an entire years worth of homework out the bus window - without getting caught.
In second grade she hid half her homework in her binder and only completed portions of it.
In third grade she brought me all of her homework but would sit at the table until midnight and not complete any of it. She'd just turn stubborn and refuse.
In fourth grade she got really creative and told her teacher it was against our religion to do homework. And was convincing enough that he believed her.
In fifth grade we found her homework hidden under the couch, under her mattress, in between the counter and the refrigerator. I'd tell her, "TG, go get your homework right now and I'll pretend like I didn't see where you hid it" and she'd offer a long suffering sigh and move the plant away from the wall and there would be this massive pile of homework behind it.

I think you might think I'm joking about this, but I'm not. I've tried everything to get this child to do her homework. I bribed her, I punished her, I grounded her, I spanked her, I yelled at her, I offered her candy and Disneyland and weekend trips to the beach. I sat with her at the table until midnight waiting for her to get it done. I took away choir and gave her the school play and took the t.v. and the computer and her stereo and birthday parties and visits to my mothers house. I've done it all. I really don't think there's anything you could suggest that I haven't done.

Last year we worked on a sliding scale. If she didn't do her homework Monday she was grounded Tuesday. If she didn't do it Tuesday she was grounded Wednesday and her stereo got taken away. If she didn't do it Wednesday she got her stereo taken for the entire weekend (as opposed to just Wednesday) and if she didn't do her work on Thursday she was grounded for the entire weekend. Then we started all over again.

This year we cut out the sliding scale and went hardcore. She didn't bring me a clean progress report on Monday? She was grounded until she did. So if she doesn't do her homework two weeks in a row, or she misses an assignment in class? She's grounded for two weeks. She gets weekly progress reports and she's grounded from everything until she brings us a clean one. What does "grounded from everything" mean? Music, t.v., computer, Wii, toys, going outside to play with the dogs, going to her friends houses, going to my mothers, basically she's grounded to her room. She's allowed to sit at the table to do homework and to eat meals. That's it.

Now, it seemed in the beginning that this was working. The first week she didn't bring me a clean progress report she cried in her room for two days and brought me a clean report the following Monday. But once again, we're back to her hiding her homework and lying about it. She brought me her progress report today (they didn't have school yesterday for a teacher in-service day) and she'd missed an assignment. She tried to tell me it was because they had a sub last week and the sub told her not to turn it in. I said, "Ok, let me just go ahead and call your teacher to double check that's the case then" (sadly, I have her teacher on speed dial) and she said, "Oh, uh. Well. Maybe you shouldn't do that." Jeez, ya think?

I don't know why she persists in thinking I'm stupid, but I've worked closely with all her teachers since kindergarten to make sure we stay on top of this. It's not like I'm new to this, k?

The big problem is that the girl is uber intelligent. I mean UBER intelligent. It's obvious she's intelligent. She talked at 3 months old. No joke, she actually said a 2 syllable word at 3 months old. She's just lazy. But her teachers can SEE she's smart, so they let her homework slide because she does well on tests and has a lot of potential. No matter that we're not doing her any favors by letting her slide on this. I mean, really, how is she going to make it in the real world if she doesn't have a sense of responsibility?

Now through all this, my saving grace has been Little Man. That child loves school and homework like it's nobody's business. Every day he comes home from school, sits down at the table without being asked and does his work. When we do Best/Worst at night, 95% of the time his "worst" is that he doesn't have anymore math homework or if it's a weekend, that he doesn't have school the next day.

I'm telling you, that child is a breath of fresh air in homework hell. Or..well, he was a breath of fresh air in homework hell. For some reason, Little Man has decided to follow in his sister's footsteps and stopped doing his homework as well.

I really don't know why. It started last year with him not turning his homework in. I'd check his homework every night and it would all be completed and ready to turn in. Then I'd get his weekly progress report and he'd be missing assignments. Assignments I know for a fact he did. When I asked him about it he just shrugged. So then I started watching him put the assignments in his backpack, thinking maybe he was leaving them at home. But nope, they still wouldn't get turned in. So then I thought maybe there was a bully on the bus or the playground stealing them. Why else would the child do the work and not turn it in? But nope, I had The Girl keep an extra close watch and talked to the bus driver and recess monitors and no one was bothering him. To this day I still have no idea what happened to those assignments. None at all. They just...disappeared.

So far this year we've had more problems with Little Man than we have with The Girl. Or maybe we haven't had more problems, but I think I'm taking it harder because he's always been so good about it in the past. Tonight he sat at the table until 10:30 working on his homework. Or not working, as the case may be. He actually sat there and either whined or full out cried because he was tired and thirsty and blah blah blah. For all the time he spent procrastinating, he could have done a full week worth of homework.

I'm telling y'all, I'm living in Homework Hell. I just can't take anymore. It was bad enough when it was one, but now that they're both acting crazy and not doing their stuff? I'm going stark raving mad.

MM and I have been talking about telling the kids Santa and the Easter Bunny don't really exist. I'm pretty sure The Girl knows about Santa (she told me last year she thinks maybe Santa isn't really a fat man in the North Pole, but really a "secret santa" type thing, where maybe people like your mom or grandparents give you presents (this is another story entirely..but stick with me for a minute, I have a point). We (MM and I) realize she's getting pretty old for the whole Santa business, but like with the Tooth Fairy, I'm not quite ready to give up their youth yet. OTOH, we don't want her getting made fun of at school for being the only person who still believes in Santa, so it's probably pretty close to being time.

So tonight MM and I lecture the kids - again - about their homework and MM tells them they have to sit at the table until their homework is finished, then he goes to bed (nice of him, isn't it?). He calls me on my cell phone from the bedroom and says, "I'm a really bad parent" and I said, "Ok, roll with it. What's up?"

He said, "I really just want to be an asshole and come tell the kids, you don't want to do your homework? That's fine, because SANTA DOESN'T MOTHER EFFING EXIST AND I'M IN CHARGE OF YOUR PRESENTS!!!!!" And then, "And I KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY, TOO!!!"

That's good parenting right there. If I do say so myself.

Gotta love MM.

Eavesdropping

2008-10-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

I'm always amused by what I hear when we're in the car. Today Jack Jr had his eight year well child visit. He got his flu vaccination and a chicken pox booster. Cheeks also got her flu vaccination and chicken pox booster. This is the conversation that took place on the way home.

Jack Jr: Where did you get your chicken pox shot?

Cheeks: I got it in this arm. [points to right arm]

JJ: I got it in that arm, too. I didn't even cry.

C: I didn't cry either. I screamed.

That was an understatement actually. The flu vaccination was the nose mist. She took taht fine. When she saw the needle? Good God. You would have thought that her finger was cut off slowly. And she was sitting on my lap.

My girl has a set of lungs.

Trick-or-Treat

2008-10-08T08:09:00.001-07:00

There was no school last Friday, which meant that I was frantically trying to figure out a way not to take a day off work. Thankfully my mom was able to have the kids over. Jack Jr and Cheeks love going to my mom's house for several reasons. One of those reasons are the kids that live across the street. There's a 4 y/o girl, a 7 y/o boy, and a 9 y/o boy. The five of them always have a great time.

On Friday, the mom (Christie) of the three kids was getting her Halloween decorations out. So she gave Cheeks and her 4 y/o the trick-or-treat pumpkins to play with. They went back across the street and went to my dad to "trick-or-treat". My dad always has candy at hand, which is another reason the kids love going there. So after they got their booty from my dad, they went back across the street and trick-or-treated to Christie. By this time, the three boys got in on the action.

My mom's kitchen window looks out onto the street. (She's telling me this story laughing her ass off, btw.) So she looks out her window and what does she see? Five kids going up the street ringing doorbells, trick-or-treating. This was on Friday afternoon at 2pm.

Anything for candy, right?

Use "Contradict" In A Sentence

2008-10-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

The Girl was given the above for her spelling homework. Her sentence?

"Never ever contradict my mom, or else she'll smack you."

Wow, thanks a lot, kid.

Telephone

2008-10-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

My mom has The Girl tonight. Earlier today we (my mom and I) had lunch together, then walked around home depot looking at different gardening stuff and lusting over the custom kitchens and appliances (I soooo want new appliances!).

After that we went over to check out the flooring (I know I'm kind of a loser, but I love looking at stuff at Home Depot) and it turns out the hardwood we want for ou house is on clearance for a ridiculously low price.

I really wanted to buy it, but needed to talk to MM first. We're trying to be conservative right now since I'm not working, and even though we'll never find it at that price again, I'm not sure it's a good idea to spend the money on it.

Anyway, I couldn't remember how much the boxes were (I remembered how much they were per sq ft, but not per box) and wanted to do the math to see how many we'd have to purchase, so I called DW to see if she remembered. She was driving so The Girl answered. I said, "Ask GG (that's what the kids call her) if she remembers how much the boxes of wood flooring were."

From there the conversation went something like this:

The Girl: What? Flooding?
Me: No, wood flooring.
TG: Wind flying?
Me: No, TG, wood.flooring. The boxes of it.
TG: Uh, ok.
*in the background* Uh, GG, Mom wants to know if you remember how much the boxes wood flying was today *lots of laughing* Ok, hold on.
TG: Mom, GG said maybe I should ask you again.
Me: *snickering* Wood flooring, TG, wood flooring. You know, like what we walk on, like carpet? Flooring.
TG: Ooohhh. *giggles*

It was like playing telephone in grade school. Remember that game, where you'd whisper a secret in someone's ear and they'd whisper it to the person next to them and so on and so forth until the messages was related to the last person in line and it was all garbled? Yeah, like that. Well, sort of. You get the idea.

Silly girl.

Huh?

2008-09-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on the computer in the playroom while Jack Jr and Cheeks play the Wii. I called for Jack to ask him a question, which startled Jack Jr into saying:

"Great jumpin' starfish, you scared the salt out of me."

Where do they come up with this stuff?

What Cheeks cares about - in order

2008-09-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

We just got home from the store. Cheeks was teasing me about my back and how it's never going to get better. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: (jokingly) Cheeks, you can't talk to people you care about like that.

Cheeks: I care about you, Momma. And Santa Claus and Daddy. Oh and God too.

Yet another great video

2008-09-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

This is a video of FN#2 and Cheeks playing Dance Dance Revolution. Cheeks is in fine form, as usual. Srsly, if you can't be happy in the arcarde when you're a kid, where can you be happy?

Dance, Dance Revolution Star!

Doesn't my sister have the best laugh?

The Best Bowling Video Ever

2008-09-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

On Friday, we drove from Boise to Vancouver, WA to my sister's house. She has two boys, henceforth referred to as Favorite Nephew #1 & Favorite Nephew #2. Sunday was Jack Jr's 8th birthday, so we all went to this bowling/arcade place called Big Al's. We actually call it Big "Owls" b/c that's what it sounds like when FN#2 says it.

Anyway, below is a video of FN#2 bowling. He really is the rising star in our family. Between this video and one we have of him and Cheeks doing Dance Dance Revolution, you'll see that this kid is going nowhere but up. LOL

The Trials and Tribulations of the Tooth Fairy: Take 2

2008-09-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

A couple years ago (I just realized it was almost exactly two years ago..crazy!), I blogged about the Trials and Tribulations of being the Tooth Fairy. What that translates to basically is that I suck at being the tooth fairy. I always have and I probably always will. Case in point:

The other night The Girl lost a tooth. She has to be getting close to being done with that, because she's 11. I don't remember when I lost my last tooth, but 11 seems kind of old, don't you think? Anyway, she used floss to pull her loose tooth out and then brought it to me, all kinds of excited. Why? Because the Tooth Fairy was coming, of course.

Now, if you think 11 is old to be losing teeth (as I do) you're going to think 11 is especially old for the Tooth Fairy, right? Well, the truth is, I think she knows the Tooth Fairy isn't real, but chooses to play dumb so she gets money. She's hinted in the past about it and I just haven't confirmed or denied yet.

The thing is, both the kids are getting older and 1) before long they'll be grown and moved out, so I savor this time and 2) if I tell The Girl that means I have to tell Little Man, because she won't be able to keep a lid on it. So, I let her go on believing in the Tooth Fairy for now. Sue me.

But..well, I'm a crappy Tooth Fairy. I don't do it on purpose, but I can't be bothered to remember to put money under their pillow. I'd like to say I did better this time around, but that would be lying. The truth is, just like the last 5 (or 10) times the Tooth Fairy was scheduled to arrive, I screwed up and completely forgot.

Luckily, I remembered when I went to wake her up for school in the morning and I was able to sneak into the kitchen and get a dollar in quarters to slip under her pillow. The problem? I couldn't find her dang tooth. I searched through the bedcovers and under her pillows and even checked behind her bed, but couldn't find it anywhere. Eventually I just gave up and figured it would either turn up at some point or it was gone for good.

When I woke The Girl up the first thing she said was, "Mom, the Tooth Fairy didn't come!" I said, "Really? How do you know?" and she told me she woke up in the night and checked and no money was under her pillow. I told her the Tooth Fairy probably just hadn't made it yet and she should check again. Yes, I'm bad to encourage her, I know.

Crisis averted, right? Well, except for later that evening, she came running from her room with her tooth in hand. Apparently it had fallen on the floor. I convinced her the Tooth Fairy had left it for me because this was likely her last baby tooth and I wanted to keep it (yes, this is a running theme for me). She rolled her eyes but agreed that was fine. She handed me the sandwich baggy it was in and that's when I noticed something odd: It had writing on it.

The top part (as shown above) says, "Here's My Tooth." Way to be helpful, kid.

But it was the bottom half of the bag I found curious. Want to see?

I know it's a little hard to read, so let me help you out. It says, "My Request, $2.00." My request? $2.00? No the child did not just ask the Tooth Fairy for $2.00! Only my child, I swear.

I'm reminded of the first tooth The Girl lost. With that one she asked to write a note to the Tooth Fairy to be placed under her pillow with her tooth. I can't remember how old she was, but I know she couldn't read or write, because she dictated the letter to me (I still have it saved somewhere). I can't remember what it said word for word, but it was along the lines of:

Thank you so much for taking my tooth, but you don't have to leave me any money. Instead you should give it to starving kids in Africa so they aren't starving anymore and I don't have to eat my peas at dinner. Thank you for being so generous (she really used words like that, no joke)! Love, The Girl.

Oh how her tune has changed.

*headesk*

Boys and the Toilet Seat

2008-09-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

One rule in our house is that if you have a penis, you put the toilet seat down when you're done. After I was married, it didn't take me long to make this rule b/c I was sick and tired of stumbling to the bathroom in the middle of the night only to sit down and realize that the toilet seat was left up and I was sitting on God knows what. Jack is very good about doing it, which I really appreciate. I don't do it to nag. I do it b/c that's high on my list of things that I don't handle well.

When Jack Jr was potty training, I made sure to instill the value of putting the seat down. His wife will thank me one day. Or so I thought.

The past few mornings when we leave for school/work, I've noticed the toilet seat is up in the downstairs bathroom. Because I didn't know who the culprit is, I couldn't say anything. I didn't know if it was Jack using it before he left for work, or Jack Jr using it when he came downstairs in the morning. Well, this morning I finally found the responsible party: Jack Jr.

This morning when I was walking out the door, I noticed the seat was up yet again. Cheeks was holding the door open for me so I could walk outside. Jack Jr was already out there. So I tell him to go back in and put the seat down. His response? "I have to do everything.". Sure thing, kid.

That's not even the best part. When he came out, he was all huffy and proceeded to ask (in that smart ass snarling voice that parents hate): "Why can't you or Cheeks do it?".

I srsly was dumbfounded for about 2 seconds. Then I dragged him back into the garage and had a "I'm the mom and I'm always effing right" talk w/ him.

Only Cheeks

2008-09-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

This drama is still in progress. I just happened to be catching up on my Google Reader and decided this was too good to pass up.

Jack Jr and Cheeks were playing Mario Kart on the Wii. Apparently Cheeks got mad when she came in 2nd (I have no idea where she gets that competitiveness) and swung the controller around, which then hit Jack Jr in the nose.

Obviously Jack Jr is crying. I would be crying if that happened to me. Still, he wasn't crying louder than Cheeks who started this scream/cry like it was her that got hit in the nose w/ a Wii controller. She then proceeded to go to her room and slam the door (screaming all the while).

Only Cheeks could cry like that (you know, like a finger was cut off) when she was the one that inflicted the pain on someone else.

When I first started writing this post, I had no intention of taking a picture. It was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. I mean, she was already screaming, right? If my amusement makes me a bad parent, I'm a bad parent.

Best/Worst

2008-09-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

My ex and I separated at the end of 2002. Well, not "officially", I guess, but geographically. I came to California for an extended stay with my parents because I needed a break. At that point we thought we might still be able to work out our differences. Around January we decided we were going to make a permanent move to CA. We put our house up for sale and I went back home in Feb. to pack up our house and move it out here. At that point I'd already found a job (at the same company I'm with now) and my boss agreed to give me a month off to get my stuff in order. The RB stayed behind until the house sold and he got a transfer through his job.

For all of 2003 and some of 2004, the RB (Rat Bastard, my ex for those of you who don't read my personal blog) and I talked about him moving out here and us staying together. As I'm sure you can imagine, that time was pretty hard on the kids. I really screwed up, because I never sat down and talked to them about making the move to CA permanent. Sometimes as adults we forget how much children really understand, and I was totally guilty of that. Basically, the kids (well, mostly The Girl) were operating under the assumption that we were just on a really long vacation and we'd eventually be going back home.

Then I decided to file for divorce. Trust me, it was a long time coming. The RB, in a last ditch effort to stop me from doing it, finally moved here 2 days after I told him I wanted a divorce. I honestly don't know what he thought he'd accomplish by doing so, because I was done at that point and when I'm done, I'm done. Even though I wouldn't let him stay with me and the kids, I think he still thought he'd be able to change my mind, so he found a job and an apartment and asked if he could take the kids every other weekend.

Then he set out to completely fuck up the kids' heads. Or maybe he just wanted to fuck up mine, but regardless it was the kids that got hurt. He would say things like, "Well, we wouldn't be getting a divorce if it wasn't for your mom. I love her and want to be with her, but she doesn't love me", at which point the kids would come home wanting to know why I didn't love their dad anymore. Or even better, he'd say things like, "Well, I just want us all to be a family, but your mom doesn't want that", which prompted statements from the kids like, 'You hate us! I know it!". Fabulous, right?

As I'm sure you can imagine, by the time the RB was served with divorce papers and decided California wasn't the place for him (thank you Lord) the kids were well and truly fucked up. Especially The Girl. There's a bit more to the story, but it's not something I can really write about - not yet. Maybe someday. I will give you the short version, though: Basically the RB decided he'd be able to win me back my refusing to see The Girl. So every other weekend he'd show up and pick up Little Man, but leave The Girl behind. I can't really tell you more than that, because it's something I still haven't gotten over. I can't even express a portion of the psychological damage he inflicted on her by doing that. For almost 4 months he refused to see her, up until and after he moved away. So she never even got to say goodbye. I'm fucking sick, SICK, just typing that out. I can't tell you what it was like to live it.

Anyway...

The Girl was pretty messed up by the time he left. Emotionally she was wiped out. I took her to counseling, but she refused to talk. She'd just sit there. At home, everything sucked and she hated life. Hated it. She was 5 at the time. I've never in my life seen a more depressed 5 year old. Remember how I said I screwed up by not talking to the kids about our move to CA being permanent? Well, that really came back to haunt me after the RB left. Naturally The Girl felt that CA was the root of all evil and the entire reason for the divorce. And of course the RB totally played into that before he stopped seeing her, saying things like, "Well, if your mom hadn't moved you to California, we'd still be together" and other such bullshit. Argh.

The point is, she was totally depressed, hated me and blamed being in CA for all of it.

It was then that we started doing Best/Worst. I started it because The Girl hated everything and nothing was good or right in her world. She used to say that. No joke. Sadly, she really meant it.

So every night at dinner we'd go around the table and tell the best part about our day, and then the worst part about our day. On the days we didn't have a worst part, we wrote it down on a piece of paper and put it on the fridge. That way, on days when we couldn't think of a best part and the entire world sucked, we could look at the list and say, "But on Saturday the 1st, we didn't have a single bad part to our day, so see, there ARE good things in life".

It took close to a year, but I was finally able to get The Girl out of her funk. Well, for the most part. She still has some insecurities that stem from that time, but MM has been a major influence on her and I've seen an improvement since he came into our lives. I'm very thankful for him and for the strong support of my family.

Best/Worst stuck, though. We still do it every night at the dinner table. Now, it's not only a good way to remind the kids that there's good in every day, but also a great way to keep up with what's going on in their lives. Plus, I think it helps show them that we're interested in what they have to say, and it's ok for them to talk about stuff with us.

We even do Best/Worst when company is over. My BIL especially loves it. Every time he comes over he asks if we still do it and then can't wait for his turn to come around. It's really cute.

We also still keep a list on the fridge for days when we don't have a worst part. It's not as often now that we have to check it to remind ourselves that there's good in life, but the little reminder is nice - even for me.

Are You Smarter Than A 6th Grader?

2008-09-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

Because I'm sure not...

The Circle of Love

2008-09-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, we were out to dinner w/ my mom when Jack Jr informed us that he has a girlfriend. It's amazing to me how much can change in one school year. He really liked this girl last year, but she would really only play w/ him when it was both him and Cheeks. Now she's his girlfriend. I asked him what exactly that means and he said they just play together at recess. Oh and one more thing about him and his girlfriend.

They used to be like this:

Now they're like this:

When we asked him what that was, he informed us that it was the Circle of Love.

Here's what an almost 8 y/o in love looks like:

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

2008-09-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

I fully admit to having road rage issues. It's not something I'm proud of, but there you go. I just can't help it. Stupid people really piss me off, and there are so many of them out driving on a regular basis. Now, my grandfather's motto has always been, "How are they going to know they're idiots if you don't tell them?" and I fully subscribe to that. I.e. I yell at traffic all the time. MM says it sounds like I have tourettes when I'm driving.

I always thought I was really careful about it when the kids were in the car, though. I mean, yeah, I might yell at someone mentally, but I was pretty proud of myself for keeping it under control. Evidently I haven't been as good as I thought, though.

A while back we were on our way to my parents house and MM was driving. We were on a four lane highway and we got stuck behind a slow moving vehicle in the passing lane. We'd been driving a few behind the car when when Little Man piped up from the backseat.

LM: MM, can you get over?
MM: No dude, there's a car. Why?
LM: Because we need to get around this idiot!

Uh Oh. Did he just say what I think he said? MM and The Girl both turned and looked at me, but I kept staring out the windshield like I didn't see them.

Oops, my bad.

Since then it's not uncommon to hear, from the backseat of my car, "You idiot! Get out of the way!" or "Gosh, don't you see that green light?" or "What's wrong with you people? Get out of the way!"

Jeez, way to throw me under the bus there, kid.

She Might Be Blonde

2008-09-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

I wonder about The Girl sometimes.

The other night I made Italian Sausage & Rigatoni for supper.

Side Note: It was one of those Bertolli frozen dinners, which just FYI, are fabulous. They taste great, aren't too expensive and only take 10 minutes to cook. I prefer to make my own Italian dinners, b/c I am Italian and really don't feel like anyone can do as good as me, but the Bertolli ones are surprisingly good and on nights when I don't want to cook or need something quick, they're perfect. :End Side Note

We're gathered around the table doing Best/Worst (I'll do another post about that later) when The Girl makes a horrible face, swallows like it's killing her and gulps down half her water at once. MM and I look at each other and then back at her. She sets her glass down and picks something off her plate with her fork and holds it out for us to see. Then she says, "Mom these water chestnuts are awful! I think they're rotten or something."

I bit the inside of my lip for a second and then said, "TG, seriously? They probably don't taste like water chestnuts because they're chunks of garlic. Just a thought."

Her eyes get all big and she goes, "Oooh. Well, no wonder. I thought you were maybe trying to poison us."

MM said, "You know, TG, we're having Italian. Generally Italian food doesn't include water chestnuts."

At this point we're both trying not to laugh at her, but not succeeding too well. I mean, there's a big difference between water chestnuts and garlic, no? She just stuck her tongue out and went back to eating.

Peaches

2008-09-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

About two years ago, Jack Jr got the stomach flu right after he ate a peach. Since then, he refuses to eat, touch, smell, or look at a peach. He doesn't even like when we say the word peach.

I've tried to explain to him that it wasn't the peach that made him throw up, but he's not buying. I've asked him if he wouldn't eat strawberries if it was strawberries instead of peaches that he ate before getting sick. He considered it for a moment, but he still wasn't buying it. To this day, he thinks it's the peach that made him sick.

This kid is so serious that I've taken it upon myself to shake him up a bit. I tell him I'm making peach pie for dessert (I never make pie), I ask him if he wants me to add peaches to the grocery list. Or if he's really grumpy, I'll whisper "peaches" in his ear. Unfortunately Cheeks has taken her cue from me and enjoys saying "peaches" to him, too. Unlike me, she says it just to make him mad. And let me tell you, nothing makes this kid more mad than when his sister says the word "peaches" to him.

One thing I love about being a parent is that I can tell Cheeks that she can't say "peaches" to him, but I can. When she asks me why, I just say because I said so. I think that's the greatest parental saying ever.

Pathetic

2008-09-03T07:43:00.000-07:00

I am pathetic.

On Monday night, I talked both kids into doing a workout that I had on DVR. Since they're kids and don't realize that they won't always actually like to exercise, they were thrilled and all for it. So we moved the coffee table out of the way and started Total Body Sculpt with Gilad.

As we get through about 10 minutes of it, I'm telling myself that I'll just turn it off when they're ready, since they won't be able to make it that much longer. Ha. I'm the one that had to quit with them saying "We're not tired!".

Mother-f-er.

So I woke up yesterday and was extremely sore. When they got home from school yesterday afternoon, I asked Jack Jr. if he was sore. He just looked at me like I was crazy and asked "From what?". I explained what he should be sore from and he said "Oh, my legs were a little sore this morning, but not anymore".

Oh to be a kid again. Brat.

Lying to your kids makes you a better parent...

2008-08-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheeks,

By now you know that I lied to you when we went to the salon on Tuesday. Though you're not as traumatized as you were when we left, I know you still haven't forgotten that I lied right to your face without even stuttering. I'd like to say a few things in my defense about why I lied to you and then tricked you into getting your hair cut.

1) You won't let me brush your hair in the morning.

2) You won't let me put your hair up after the non-existent brushing.

3) You get food in your hair every.single.day [you know this drives daddy crazy].

Needless to say, those are three very good reasons to get your hair cut. An added bonus is that your new first grade teacher will stop wondering if your mother has enough money to invest in a brush.

Even though you're only six and probably won't understand this, I just want to tell you that you can't get your hair cut like mine b/c your hair was shorter before we even set foot into the salon.

When the hair cut lady and I were whispering in the corner, we were trying to figure out how to get the back of your hair to look like this without you realizing how much was actually being cut off.

So I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I ~~lied to your face~~ deceived you.

Just remember, it wasn't all bad.

Love,
Momma

I Really Just Don't Understand

2008-08-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

Last night (well, early this morning) Little Man woke up and started crying at the top of his lungs. "Waaah. Moooom. Waaahhh." I rolled over and looked at the clock, realized it was 3 in the morning, decided if it was that important he'd come find me on his own and rolled over and went back to sleep. Only for the next two hours, he continued ~~crying~~ screaming. Finally, around 5:30, I couldn't take it anymore and went in his room to find out what the problem was. He shudderingly told me his tummy and head were aching. I asked if he needed Tylenol and he nodded. "Yes, please". Oh, super polite now that we've gotten mommy out of bed, aren't we?

I go into the kitchen to get him a Tylenol and some water and he follows me in, looking awfully damn pleased with himself now that I'm stumbling around the house and he isn't all alone in his misery. I give him the Tylenol, ask if he's better and send him back to bed.

Now I know all of you are looking at me like I'm the worst mother in the world. I let my child scream for TWO HOURS before I got up to see what was wrong with him? There's a special place in hell reserved for people like me, right? Except..he's 9. NINE.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand why a freaking nine year old would lie in bed and SCREAM at the top of his lungs for two hours instead of just getting up and coming into my room to tell me he's not well. When I asked him about this he just shrugged his shoulders and smiled. SMILED.

You can't tell me he didn't do it on purpose.

Test Blog

2008-08-27T21:44:00.001-07:00

Welcome to Not Dead Yet, where Casee and I come to be thankful that we're still alive (and that our progeny is as well).